220 today!!!

Dr tested me last Friday, awaiting results, for T3 T4 and TSH. Suspects thyroid and PCOS. Might finally have confirmation. Also tested my Vitamin D level.

Might see below 220 soon! Yay! What have I done differently? Quit caring. Quad and ab work every few days. Lots of time outside. MORE SLEEP which the DR thought was m main weight loss stall problem! I have been in bed by 10 sleep till 4, up till 6:30 and asleep till 10 or 10:30. Plus 30 min naps. Lots of laughing and focusing on E and playing. Consciously not stressing about house or finances.

Off to bed with me.

Ahem

After a week of all of us with severe stomach virus, then two weeks of ear infection torture with Ellie (still going on...) I have been off plan. I have not, however, gained any weight maybe due to loss of muscle from being able to workout maybe due to lots of nursing. Went to Dr on Friday. She said that my sleep pattern is likely the culprit in my 6 month weight loss stall. She also ran a TSH and Free T3 and T4 Thyroid test just in case. I am supposed to know the results in a couple weeks.... I went off plan because I had to keep down something as I was burning 500 calories a day breastfeeding as E was so sick that was all she was eating again. Then I got rebellious and so very unhappy with the bouts of warmer shorts weather and the way my body lumps and sags... I even quit checking my bG very often! Yikes. I hate to see the A1C she just drew on Friday, my guess is around 10 again.

I realized this morning that I am unhappy. I think it is because I am not meeting the expectations for myself that I have. I need a new set because even my Bible read through every 90 days this year resoloution is, I have found, impossible. It went great for 6 weeks but I am still in the middle of Isaiah because my life as a mom and a wife does not allow me the luxury of 1 hour of reading time a day! I need to be realistic about my abilities and time when I set goals for myself. If I am not meeting goals I feel I am a failure and I start beating up on myself, feel worthless and abuse carbs and am just so GRUMPY due to the carbs and moods. And tempers are already a bit short over here as we adjust to the reality of this schedule of J's, his time and distance from work (1 hr 20min commute 1 way!), and our lack of money despite how much he is making. Our low carb grocery bill plus E's snacks and carbs are running us $120 a week on average!!! Lets not talk about gas and taxes.... so we have no enjoyment money and no savings, he is working so hard and we are still barely making it each month with no way to even pay off the student loans that come due soon! I feel so trapped and blessed at the same time. There just seems to be no break from the pressure. Esp with E ill, the antibiotic has her so wired as does her pain level that she doesnt even take naps and it is a battle to get her to sleep at night. J and I have had no alone time together for 3 weeks now not even to sit and talk or watch TV together.

So my new goals?

1. Read at least 1 chapter of Bible a day.

2. Spend time in prayer twice a day, morning and night, at least.

3. Maintain a bG average in the 90's. Besides it will help everything else!

4. Walk 10 minutes a day. E can fuss or cry if she needs to while J watches her for just those 10 minutes on treadmill.

5. NO MORE CHEATING WITH CARBS!

6. Nap when E does. I need the sleep desperately even if I have to go through a season of a messy house.

7. A clean ENOUGH house means: trash taken out, no more than 1 sink of dirty dishes, clean floors, clean towels, cloth diapers and clothes, clean bathroom, clean sheets, clean countertops and stove, horizontal clutter collected into a bin each night

8. At least first 10 minutes of Body Electric a day which gets a warm up and weights for 2 body parts

9. When playing with E, to not be thinking of other things.

10. To say something sincerely nice to J every day. And if possible to do something nice for him each day.

11. Do something nice for myself each day and find a way to love my body.

12. Drink 10 glasses of water and take my vitamins.

Update

Fully low carb habit now. Had a cake in the house and still have a carton of regular ice cream due to a part and touched nor want to touch either. Strawberries and blueberries and even cream tastes intensely sweet now. Gotta go again

Still going!

Sorry for the lack of posting. Family has been ill. I have also been sleeping right after J leaves instead of staying up. My bG has even improved due to this. At 224 now... have been doing great on treadmill. More later.....

Treadmill!

Last night I did it. I quit talking about it and did it. I got on the treadmill for 20 minutes, .80 mile. I jogged for three minutes 2x at 4mph. I put it on an incline of 10 for 4 minutes at 3mph. It felt great! So good to jog again. Won't talk about the mammma belly that is tender this morning. Yay! Poor Ellie was upset, she did not like the mechanical noises or momma jogging. She only cried a bit as Da had her, holding her, dancing with her and playing. Low carb went well per normal except this morning I had 1 square inch of bagel with cream cheese with some club soda as J and I are both exceedingly nauseaus. Yuck! But it did settle my stomach to a bearable and functioning level. Which is very good as I have much to do before the 5-6" snow over sleet they are forcasting. We are having to pack up and go to the town 30 minutes closer to Jason's work so he does not have nearly 1 1/2 hours of driving in this mess. I would rather be snuggled at home but E will certainly enjoy her grandparents Hargrove. I hope to speak with J's brother about diabetes tonight he has just been put on Lantus.... Off to Bible reading and laundry.

10 Steps for Low Carb Success

It amazes me how choosing low carb is just natural for me now. I don't think about cooking any other way. I am not tempted by what I see on TV or in ads or menus. I look at them and say "hmmm, wonder if I can do that in a healthy and low carb way". How did I arrive here? What do I think are some key points to this successful lifestyle change?

1. Deep Motivation. I am motivated by wanting to live to see my daughter grow up and enjoy physical things with my family like hiking, horseback riding, kayaking and etc. I was motivated by low self esteem and desiring to look like a model but over time I have replaced that false motivation that is shallow and easy to drown in a pint of ice cream. I am also deeply motivated by the numbers on my glucose meter. I am now in a 30-day average of 97 and am on tiny amounts of insulin!

2. Support. I am blessed by a supportive husband who has chosen low carb also to lose the dangerous fat around his middle, and now as I recently saw on Jimmy Moore's post of low carb testimonies from reader, lessening his borderline sleep apnea. The Dr. Bernstein community forum. Blogs and personal emails from fellow low carbers like Jimmy Moore's Livin' La Vida Low Carb, The Lighter Side of Low Carb, Carbs Suck and more.

3. Journaling. I use my blog to record and 'put out there' anything I am dealing with on this journey as I tackle my health and diabetes. It is a process as I did not arrive at this weight over night and there are many emotional factors that helped add many of the pounds. I am working on shedding them pound by pound also. I am also trying to record some great recipes as I have time. This provides motivation also as I look back on photos and older posts from time to time, especially if I am feeling down I can see how far I have come.

4. A Stack of Low Carb Cookbooks. I have thousands of recipes bookmarked online, I love them. I print favorites out and put them in a binder in the kitchen so I can take notes on changes and impressions as I tailor them to us. But there is something so affirming, friendly, and supportive in having a nice stack of cookbooks from George Stella and Dana Carpender to greet me! And yes, I take notes in the margins of them also!

5. Low Carb Research. Between Dr. Bernstein's Diabetes Soloution book and forum, and Jimmy Moore's timely interviews and research of the leaders in low carb and health I can stay informed about my disease and low carb. This research just serves to back up and affirm the changes I am seeing in my blood panels, glucose meter, clothes size, moods, complexion,clarity of mind, and overall sense of well being and energy. I also enjoyed the DVD documentaries My Big Fat Diet about a Dr and First Nation's people of Alert Bay losing weight and gaining health by going back to a traditional low carb diet, and Fat Head a comedy documentary full of accurate research about the myths and truth of cholesterol and low carb.

6. Exercise. A commitment to move at least 15 minutes every day serves as a launching pad for more exercise as I have time during the day- I have an 11 month old so that is how most of my time is spent, there is little time for organized efforts! And if all I get in is 15 minutes I have met my commitment and do not feel guilty, thus easing stress and aiding in happiness and self esteem.

7. De Stressing. Essential to identify what is making me feel stress and find soloutions to ease it or remedy it.

8. Above All Prayer, God and Jesus!

9. Counting My Blessings. And realizing that I AM actually very happy and content. I just don't always see it. No, that does not mean I ignore real issues or deny myself sadness, it means I am truly happy most of the time and fail to recognize it.

10. One Step at a Time, One Day At A Time!

Reconnection

I am really enjoying life since I am no longer weighing every day! Ha! Who would have thought? I also realize something after my riding lesson. Well, a few things really. Due to the birth circumstances I felt like becoming a mother happened to me. I had no control over the process there was no gradual evoloution as my body birthed her slowly and my mind and soul learned to let go of the need to control and learned to just let God happen. Instead it was sudden, tragic, and brutal and as she was cut from my belly my life as mom was forced on me abruptly and my first act was of being unable to protect my daughter the complete failure to provide her with a peaceful, loving, quiet transition earthside. I love being a mom. But as of Saturday I feel, almost a year later, that I am ME the Star I have always known who has become a mom also. Somehow out on that horse reconnecting with my hopes and dreams and passions that have always been with me, I connected. Even my body which has seemed so foreign and split open at the center of my gravity, and my hips which were locked, opened and connected and feel like me again. Wow, what it must be like to have riding therapy for those with disabilities and injuries. I am a better mom, wife, and person after this reconnection. Not perfect, never will be. But I am now doing this as ME and feel at home in my body.

This has greatly improved my stress level, ability to sleep, and joy for life. What a blessing!

Back In the Saddle Again!

My new 7 day is 93 and 30 day is 97!

I am pleased. I have also as of yesterday taken up a hobby from long long ago- riding lessons! Great exercise and balance possibilities and absolutely tons of fun and ME time. I can only go about 2x a month but still! And it gives me motivation of another kind than weight control, to do situps, pushups and wall sits, so that I can progress in my riding. I want to ride dressage and jumpers again. I so miss it. And right now J and E are having fun playing while I catch up and reading and typing.

About Myself, Smiling?

I realized something this morning. I did not feel like reading Bible as I was so very tired and I went back to bed. I lay there awake thinking and praying. I don't know how to exhibit happiness. I am happy and content often but do not smile. I hide all my emotions until I explode with frustration which used to happen frequently until I got my bG under control. I have been focusing on relieving stress in my life. And on the day Evelyn passed on I got to thinking about the novel concept of counting blessings. Seems I can do much clear thinking now which completely disproves that low carb destroys your brain! Relieving stress is well and good but when you pair that with counting your blessings I think anyone would arrive at the same conclusion- okay, I have these awesome blessings, now what?

Now what indeed! I don't think it does much good to analyze the whys of how I got to be this way. I do know that I recall as a child always having to hide my true emotions and the problems and home and being lectured if not putting on a happy face at gatherings- "it's showtime" so that no one could guess the truth of what was going on in our household. I rarely saw my mom happy she most often wore a solemn look of determination or of sadness. But parents do the best they can do, it is all that any of us can do, so I am not placing blame. And maybe realizing these things will help me break the cycle and not hobble Ellie in this way- that is my hope. I want to model happiness for E so that she can see what that is like. Not a fabrication of happiness. I want her to be able to express her emotions and show them, happy, sad, angry, frustrated- whatever. So I have to figure out how to smile and be relaxed when I feel that way instead of hiding it in a solemn look of determination. I rarely laugh anymore except that I laugh often at E she is such a delight, but my husband is truly funny he is a really jovial kind of person and I have not been letting him see I find him amusing. Can you believe that? I like seriousness and broodiness, but why?

I also learned as a child that the one's worth is arrived at by accomplishments. If a job was well done, and the harder the job the better, then you could relax a bit. But perfection demanded you keep thinking about those jobs and how to improve your performance. I learned that by Mom's example. She was a perfectionist at housecleaning and sewing and it has served her well she has a very exciting career now, but unless all is perfect she is not happy and to this day I NEVER see her relax and have joy. She is always stressed. Early on in our marriage it would drive me insane how slowly and joyfully J got a job accomplished. I could run circles around him with a stern look on my face the whole time. We had so many arguments about it, but I could never figure out why I felt so frustrated and angry about it, I just thought he was lazy and did not know HOW to do things and I should teach him. And of course my anger and frustration got worse when I began to see he was never going to learn those things from me- efficiency and speed and solemnity- because I was a terrible teacher and example! Why would anyone want to do to themselves what I was doing?

And I am doing the same still. I, of late, feel like I am holding my breath each day until nap times until I can explode into a fury of housework to try to get the house as clean and perfect as I can- never being satisfied with what I accomplish. Trying to balance that with studies and journaling and exercise. And I am missing moments of Ellies life stressing out until the next nap comes. How terrible!!!

I am trying to relax but could not figure out how. Maybe today was a breakthrough?

And along the lines of self worth: I have tied my self worth and attractiveness to my husband and others with what I can accomplish and how quickly and perfectly, and how perfect my body can look. And I never achieve it and never will. I used to think I was so huge and ugly as a teenager. I look at those photos now I am solid muscle, tiny, tan and beautiful- well I was then! I never knew that. I want E to know better. To have an accurate and Godly sense of self and value. I have never been able to accept that J still finds me attractive and chose me above anyone else- I have always felt he deserved a supermodel and someday I would succeed in becoming like one. so I have hated my body and abused it in numerous ways- one of which is eating carb laden foods as comfort and pushing myself into diabetes. So very sad that so much of my life has been wrapped up in these silly ideas and quests. Where was my mentor? I only had glimpses of them. That is another topic for another day maybe.

Now, how do I smile more? I guess I need to put on 'radar' as a priority "hey, I feel happy or I feel content, this is nice, SMILE"

Why does all this go on a low carb blog? have I lost my focus? No. Because this lifestyle is about becoming healthy inside and out.

Well, of course, I googled it and came up with The Happiness Project So far, thought provoking and inspirational didn't realize till I read all the comments that she is an author. Plan to spend some more time reading here.

Low Carb and Cancer

I apologize in advance for lack of links to research, I'll get them.

I lost a cousin to cancer yesterday, Evelyn. She passed they said with not even a furrow in her brow just a serene smile and she knew they were all there an hour after they removed the ventilator. This family, her mom, Aunt Grace (my mom's dad's sister so actually a Great Aunt) is the most glowing on fire for Jesus in a completely real and inspirational way. When any of them walk into a room it just lights up, you can see the fire in their eyes and joy in their soul. They are about ministry and love. As is Aunt Grace's sister Aunt Carolyn who lost her daughter, Marsha, to lung cancer 2 years ago Aunt Carolyn's husband Uncle Kenneth is a minister. Also such an inspirational couple. The kind of people I want to be. I wish they still lived here. Maryland seems so far away. Grandad's entire family was/is involved in ministry. What I am trying to say is that what a tragedy to befall....but their strength and faith gives me more.

And more determination. My mom was 1 year past diagnosis of a very fast moving and devastating advanced breast cancer. She has been declared breast cancer free but they see some suspicious spots. She sees her Dr team this coming Tuesday. We may know more then. We are taking each day as it comes and trying to live in hope and joy without fear. I feel like a sitting duck. I think on my odds of having cancer daily. For in this family line almost all women have had breast, lung, or ovarian cancer.

Determination because I know that low carb kills cancer as it starves the cancer cells for sugar. It has been proven to reverse it. Remember what I said about providing research? I will. Just not now as I need to get to my Bible reading this morning.

I put away my scale. I need no more stress. I feel much happier without it staring me in the face. Weight loss stall or not. No backsliding for me. I want to live a long happy life with my family, if God is willing.