Day 1 Report

Stuck to the plan. 15u Lantus and 1 Met at each meal.
Need to tweak the calories and protein:
1435Cal,121 fat, 35 carb, 65 pro.
Avg from 10 tests 105! No Novolog taken.

Yesterday was 175!

244lbs today.

I feel great. Reisisted even the shall remain nameless whole grain carbs fed to J and E! Did have 7 grapes tonight... but it was counted in the total above and didnt budge my bG. Don't feel deprived. Drank more water. Felt very satisfied and full till evening. Can see I need more calories.

Went for a stroll with E and dog. Blew bubbles on the front porch.

J's is working his last night for a bit. Yay!

Journaled often. Realizing much. I feel stronger and clearer. I am pleased I am taking a positive step.

Went to library and checked out some Waldorf parenting books. have almost completed an adorable tissue paper and ribbon butterfly mobile for E to play with/look at.

In my journaling and feedback from J I figured out why time seems like it never passes and I get so very stuck and immobolized. Had a paradigm shift that feels natural and fluid. I think that was a key!

Had the opportunity to set a boundary with a 'friend'. Using my new words and techniques I have been taught. It went well. I was upset about something she had said about a horse I had given her, I called her back and clarified things with her and I feel stronger and that issue is no longer an issue with her. I gently confronted her instead of letting the slight fester. A big step towards being able to set boundaries and be loving with my family.

Day 1

Fasting bG 122. Bed at 12 Am, woke at 7Am. Frequent nursing and wakings by E.

Caught in A Moment

I realize I get caught in moments and I feel like they will never change. That it will always be this way. Like when J is on his stretches of night work. I feel like it will never end, I feel like the evenings alone last 10 times longer. I can't see ahead. I feel suffocated and trapped until the day of his last night work, then I am cheery again.

Spinning the hamster wheel

Feel like my emotions and life just spin spin spin. Always coming back to the same thing I am stuck. I am frustrated. I feel hopeless. i feel powerless. I was taught to just give that to God and accept his strength. i now know that is not entirely the answer. I must be able to find or to be open to receiving the soloution I then have to work out. I have never healed, progressed or got what I need or want because I have always been taught you sit and get. That that is surrendering to God's will! As a consequence I have never been able to develop me and my talents to improve myself or anyone else.

I am having much problems right now as a mom. ic ant wait for her to go to sleep. I am letting her watch about 2 hours of Cailou a day so that Ic an get things done. But the day just slips by like grains of sand with hothing to show for it. I feel I am running out of the 'grace period' with her and that I ma no longer giving her enough. I just dont know how. i want to change but I dont know the steps or the path. Saying I want to change is not enough. I have to have a plan but where do i learn such. I can barely haul my ass out of the chair in front of the tv or laptop lately. I am miserable, hollow, empty and unhappy and it shows.

I love her dearly I feel so thankul to have her but I am strugglign with so much lately I cant see forward..

What is it with bread?

I just ate half a loaf of 8 grain bread in two days... I like to mush up each piece to resemble a loaf and usually like to smear some butter cold or soft on the bread before mushing. I then like to eat it, especially in front of the TV and especially especially with a cup of milk. This is a comfort zone.

When I was 7-11 there was a cartoon I watched about Bible times and they were always eating bread and cheese and milk. It became my 'safe place'. With the turmoil that was just beginning in my house it was the haven I needed. When I am stressed I automatically default into this.

To fill my stomach full and round and bloated from the wheat I am allergic to feels warm and comforting to me. Like a snuggly blanket or being cradled in arms.

I am working on identifying my feelings/emotions because all I knew before therapy was to just squash them. And to drown them in sugar and carbs. But stopping to ID feelings and reasons and use logic is difficult when I have 30 years of ingrained patterns.

I think I will put some bold construction paper notices on the fridge, cabinet door, mirror, etc. that says something to the effect of "STOP: What are you feeling right now?"

It is my hope that through journaling I will peel back layers and find myself, whole, and free.

Without diabetes I don't think I would have ever paused to examine myself or whys. What a loss that would have been.

Beginning Again

Packing up and cleaning up the Murray house. Hopefully tenant moves in today. Chapter finished.

Have been asking myself this morning about the si- why do I feel stressed? What am I feeling? What do I need to feel relaxed?

I think the same should apply well to eating.

I bought a petite white on white cake at WM yesterday adn ate 3/4 of it. Had pizza last night. Have had several ice creams- both sonic and dq blizzards in the past couple o weeks as well as copious amounts of breads, pizzas, biscuits, fruits, pretzels etc. Eating whatever and trying not to feel guilty. I have to get rid of the persistent guilt that plagues me in order to heal. I have come a very long way. I am pleased with me.

Sorry, t key sticking.

Started out this early morning with an oil facial massage. Plan to use that as well as oil pulling (teeth) to cleanse and care for myself.

I am good at habit keeping, I need some good habits to keep!

Changes?

Well

Still have kept my resolve to not step on the scale. Have cut out my crazy high carb binge for now, have been keeping myself happy with phenomenal low carb baking thanks to kevinpa from Low Carb Friends. Enjoyed an amazing BLT on what tasted and felt just like a real roll but only had 3 carbs! have worked out three days in a row; Sunday: Total Body Sculpt, Monday: Shimmy, Tonight: Total Body Sculpt. bG still averaging 127..... Finding things I enjoy, spent time at Karen's today bathing a horse while wearing E on my back, and playing with dogs and chickens.

Working on love

The binging has all but ceased. I can tell I have put on some pounds. I am working every day at loving ME. Until I love me I won't consistently make healthy choices. It is not because I cant stick to low carb it is because I cant stick to anything at all. The low carb food is great and now that I found Kevin's recipes at Low Carb Friends and the recipes from Healthy Indulgences there is a low carb version for everything I love as comfort food. We had great biscuits last night- a Kentucky staple! The food and way of eating is not the problem, excuse, or reason. It is me and my need for self destruction and patterns of self hate. I truly believe that even with my grief and fear I am trying to surrender to God about Mom's grim cancer prognosis that if I loved myself I would find better ways to deal with it than binging and destruction. I feel like I have to accept myself and love myself as obese as part of this process. Especially as I quit focusing on appearance and numbers on a scale.

Why am I running from God?

Indeed.

Could it be because:

I keep falling and I am tired of falling and failing at everything?

I get so wrapped up in the rapture of devotion time and then life comes along and I slam to the cold ground?

Don't feel worthy?

Lazy?

I read the Bible and get confused about what it means for me and am afraid I will go off on some detrimental path just as I did with that home worship group years ago?

Becasue I get so enraptured and zealous and then I get so discouraged when I lose clarity or can't accomplish anything?

I don't know.

I still feel like I am nowhere near the heart of the matter. Will have to dwell on this...

I don't want to feel marvelous

If I felt marvelous then I would have to confront my demons. If I feel miserable I never have the energy or time or clarity of thought to deal with myself. This is what I realized at 1Am this morning. Food isn't the only self destructive behavior I engage in.

I am struggling to find my identity and value beyond the way my clothes fit, hair falls, and number on the scale. I am also struggling the same if I do not workout, have a perfectly clean house, creatively accomplish something. The way I value me is all tied up in my looks and performance. Take those things away and I do not love myself.

Huh.

Now what?

There is no one to blame for this but me. No excuses.

I have to figure out how to surrender to God, to His truths. Truths like: I am His creation, I am beautiful because He created me, beauty is not just about looks it is everything especially ones soul, that I should be developing a carachter above rubies- the proverbs woman......