Struggling

Monday April 07, 2008

Again...

My weight loss has stalled and in fact, because of the new weight training program I started 2 weeks ago, i have gained from 214 to 217... I have been angry and frustrated all day about it. I think I just didn't realize just how much. I talked with Mom today and we were talking about favorite family foods, restaurants, eggplant parmigiana..... On TV I saw a gazillion pizza hut commercials. My bG has not been above 115 in many many days, I feel great except for the tiredness lately of being on a course of antibiotic for a dental infection.

Tonight, it just all compiled and I ended up eating 4 Bourbon balls, two earlier and two later that I had with PB ad chocolate chips mixed in a dish....... disgusting. If I had planned to cheat for the same amount of carbs I could have indulged in a super yummy slice of Pizza Hut....

All of it combined just made me so angry. Why do I have diabetes? Its not fair! Why can't I bounce about living my life and not be my own human science experiment. Why is it that I have to not eat heirloom family recipes any more because it will eventually kill me by diabetes complications? Why am I, a previously happy vegetarian, forced to eat the flesh of animals? Its not fair!

Now my bG is soaring, I am fuzzy headed and shaky, I feel miserable....all because I had a temper tantrum and bull headedly thought I could eat away my feelings. I don't know how else to explain it.

The truth is, on this diet I feel wonderful, I am becoming so fit and diabetic complications are beginning to reverse, I feel alive for the first time in so many years (well, since the last time I did this), I am eating wholesome, unprocessed, natural foods and my body loves me for it... it just hurts my feelings deeply because I have to. That I am not normal. That my health and its expenses are a burden to everyone.

DIABETES, YOU OFFEND ME!

I am such spoiled brat with no grip on reality, I really have so very much to be thankful for.

DIE DIABETES! DIE!

While I am at it I am mad at the powers that be telling us that our diets are normal and healthy in America. It has caused me to be this way, definitely sooner as it is in my genetics, and possibly I could have avoided Diabetes all together if I had been taught the truth about nutrition. It is they who allow all these commercials and keeps restaurants from serving healthy low carb meals because they say they are unhealthy, it is they who tell people they will die of clogged arteries and other complications, when there are thousands who are living proof by their test results that this improves ones health. In truth general America is eating an abnormal way and our nation is dying from obesity and diseases because of it.

In truth my abnormal condition brought on or sped on by my so called "normal diet" had lead me to a normal way of eating.

But I am still mad that I can't indulge one in awhile without speeding myself into a hasty grave because of being Diabetic!