Stuck to the plan. 15u Lantus and 1 Met at each meal.
Need to tweak the calories and protein:
1435Cal,121 fat, 35 carb, 65 pro.
Avg from 10 tests 105! No Novolog taken.
Yesterday was 175!
244lbs today.
I feel great. Reisisted even the shall remain nameless whole grain carbs fed to J and E! Did have 7 grapes tonight... but it was counted in the total above and didnt budge my bG. Don't feel deprived. Drank more water. Felt very satisfied and full till evening. Can see I need more calories.
Went for a stroll with E and dog. Blew bubbles on the front porch.
J's is working his last night for a bit. Yay!
Journaled often. Realizing much. I feel stronger and clearer. I am pleased I am taking a positive step.
Went to library and checked out some Waldorf parenting books. have almost completed an adorable tissue paper and ribbon butterfly mobile for E to play with/look at.
In my journaling and feedback from J I figured out why time seems like it never passes and I get so very stuck and immobolized. Had a paradigm shift that feels natural and fluid. I think that was a key!
Had the opportunity to set a boundary with a 'friend'. Using my new words and techniques I have been taught. It went well. I was upset about something she had said about a horse I had given her, I called her back and clarified things with her and I feel stronger and that issue is no longer an issue with her. I gently confronted her instead of letting the slight fester. A big step towards being able to set boundaries and be loving with my family.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Caught in A Moment
I realize I get caught in moments and I feel like they will never change. That it will always be this way. Like when J is on his stretches of night work. I feel like it will never end, I feel like the evenings alone last 10 times longer. I can't see ahead. I feel suffocated and trapped until the day of his last night work, then I am cheery again.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Spinning the hamster wheel
Feel like my emotions and life just spin spin spin. Always coming back to the same thing I am stuck. I am frustrated. I feel hopeless. i feel powerless. I was taught to just give that to God and accept his strength. i now know that is not entirely the answer. I must be able to find or to be open to receiving the soloution I then have to work out. I have never healed, progressed or got what I need or want because I have always been taught you sit and get. That that is surrendering to God's will! As a consequence I have never been able to develop me and my talents to improve myself or anyone else.
I am having much problems right now as a mom. ic ant wait for her to go to sleep. I am letting her watch about 2 hours of Cailou a day so that Ic an get things done. But the day just slips by like grains of sand with hothing to show for it. I feel I am running out of the 'grace period' with her and that I ma no longer giving her enough. I just dont know how. i want to change but I dont know the steps or the path. Saying I want to change is not enough. I have to have a plan but where do i learn such. I can barely haul my ass out of the chair in front of the tv or laptop lately. I am miserable, hollow, empty and unhappy and it shows.
I love her dearly I feel so thankul to have her but I am strugglign with so much lately I cant see forward..
I am having much problems right now as a mom. ic ant wait for her to go to sleep. I am letting her watch about 2 hours of Cailou a day so that Ic an get things done. But the day just slips by like grains of sand with hothing to show for it. I feel I am running out of the 'grace period' with her and that I ma no longer giving her enough. I just dont know how. i want to change but I dont know the steps or the path. Saying I want to change is not enough. I have to have a plan but where do i learn such. I can barely haul my ass out of the chair in front of the tv or laptop lately. I am miserable, hollow, empty and unhappy and it shows.
I love her dearly I feel so thankul to have her but I am strugglign with so much lately I cant see forward..
What is it with bread?
I just ate half a loaf of 8 grain bread in two days... I like to mush up each piece to resemble a loaf and usually like to smear some butter cold or soft on the bread before mushing. I then like to eat it, especially in front of the TV and especially especially with a cup of milk. This is a comfort zone.
When I was 7-11 there was a cartoon I watched about Bible times and they were always eating bread and cheese and milk. It became my 'safe place'. With the turmoil that was just beginning in my house it was the haven I needed. When I am stressed I automatically default into this.
To fill my stomach full and round and bloated from the wheat I am allergic to feels warm and comforting to me. Like a snuggly blanket or being cradled in arms.
I am working on identifying my feelings/emotions because all I knew before therapy was to just squash them. And to drown them in sugar and carbs. But stopping to ID feelings and reasons and use logic is difficult when I have 30 years of ingrained patterns.
I think I will put some bold construction paper notices on the fridge, cabinet door, mirror, etc. that says something to the effect of "STOP: What are you feeling right now?"
It is my hope that through journaling I will peel back layers and find myself, whole, and free.
Without diabetes I don't think I would have ever paused to examine myself or whys. What a loss that would have been.
When I was 7-11 there was a cartoon I watched about Bible times and they were always eating bread and cheese and milk. It became my 'safe place'. With the turmoil that was just beginning in my house it was the haven I needed. When I am stressed I automatically default into this.
To fill my stomach full and round and bloated from the wheat I am allergic to feels warm and comforting to me. Like a snuggly blanket or being cradled in arms.
I am working on identifying my feelings/emotions because all I knew before therapy was to just squash them. And to drown them in sugar and carbs. But stopping to ID feelings and reasons and use logic is difficult when I have 30 years of ingrained patterns.
I think I will put some bold construction paper notices on the fridge, cabinet door, mirror, etc. that says something to the effect of "STOP: What are you feeling right now?"
It is my hope that through journaling I will peel back layers and find myself, whole, and free.
Without diabetes I don't think I would have ever paused to examine myself or whys. What a loss that would have been.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Beginning Again
Packing up and cleaning up the Murray house. Hopefully tenant moves in today. Chapter finished.
Have been asking myself this morning about the si- why do I feel stressed? What am I feeling? What do I need to feel relaxed?
I think the same should apply well to eating.
I bought a petite white on white cake at WM yesterday adn ate 3/4 of it. Had pizza last night. Have had several ice creams- both sonic and dq blizzards in the past couple o weeks as well as copious amounts of breads, pizzas, biscuits, fruits, pretzels etc. Eating whatever and trying not to feel guilty. I have to get rid of the persistent guilt that plagues me in order to heal. I have come a very long way. I am pleased with me.
Sorry, t key sticking.
Started out this early morning with an oil facial massage. Plan to use that as well as oil pulling (teeth) to cleanse and care for myself.
I am good at habit keeping, I need some good habits to keep!
Have been asking myself this morning about the si- why do I feel stressed? What am I feeling? What do I need to feel relaxed?
I think the same should apply well to eating.
I bought a petite white on white cake at WM yesterday adn ate 3/4 of it. Had pizza last night. Have had several ice creams- both sonic and dq blizzards in the past couple o weeks as well as copious amounts of breads, pizzas, biscuits, fruits, pretzels etc. Eating whatever and trying not to feel guilty. I have to get rid of the persistent guilt that plagues me in order to heal. I have come a very long way. I am pleased with me.
Sorry, t key sticking.
Started out this early morning with an oil facial massage. Plan to use that as well as oil pulling (teeth) to cleanse and care for myself.
I am good at habit keeping, I need some good habits to keep!
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Changes?
Well
Still have kept my resolve to not step on the scale. Have cut out my crazy high carb binge for now, have been keeping myself happy with phenomenal low carb baking thanks to kevinpa from Low Carb Friends. Enjoyed an amazing BLT on what tasted and felt just like a real roll but only had 3 carbs! have worked out three days in a row; Sunday: Total Body Sculpt, Monday: Shimmy, Tonight: Total Body Sculpt. bG still averaging 127..... Finding things I enjoy, spent time at Karen's today bathing a horse while wearing E on my back, and playing with dogs and chickens.
Still have kept my resolve to not step on the scale. Have cut out my crazy high carb binge for now, have been keeping myself happy with phenomenal low carb baking thanks to kevinpa from Low Carb Friends. Enjoyed an amazing BLT on what tasted and felt just like a real roll but only had 3 carbs! have worked out three days in a row; Sunday: Total Body Sculpt, Monday: Shimmy, Tonight: Total Body Sculpt. bG still averaging 127..... Finding things I enjoy, spent time at Karen's today bathing a horse while wearing E on my back, and playing with dogs and chickens.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Working on love
The binging has all but ceased. I can tell I have put on some pounds. I am working every day at loving ME. Until I love me I won't consistently make healthy choices. It is not because I cant stick to low carb it is because I cant stick to anything at all. The low carb food is great and now that I found Kevin's recipes at Low Carb Friends and the recipes from Healthy Indulgences there is a low carb version for everything I love as comfort food. We had great biscuits last night- a Kentucky staple! The food and way of eating is not the problem, excuse, or reason. It is me and my need for self destruction and patterns of self hate. I truly believe that even with my grief and fear I am trying to surrender to God about Mom's grim cancer prognosis that if I loved myself I would find better ways to deal with it than binging and destruction. I feel like I have to accept myself and love myself as obese as part of this process. Especially as I quit focusing on appearance and numbers on a scale.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Why am I running from God?
Indeed.
Could it be because:
I keep falling and I am tired of falling and failing at everything?
I get so wrapped up in the rapture of devotion time and then life comes along and I slam to the cold ground?
Don't feel worthy?
Lazy?
I read the Bible and get confused about what it means for me and am afraid I will go off on some detrimental path just as I did with that home worship group years ago?
Becasue I get so enraptured and zealous and then I get so discouraged when I lose clarity or can't accomplish anything?
I don't know.
I still feel like I am nowhere near the heart of the matter. Will have to dwell on this...
Could it be because:
I keep falling and I am tired of falling and failing at everything?
I get so wrapped up in the rapture of devotion time and then life comes along and I slam to the cold ground?
Don't feel worthy?
Lazy?
I read the Bible and get confused about what it means for me and am afraid I will go off on some detrimental path just as I did with that home worship group years ago?
Becasue I get so enraptured and zealous and then I get so discouraged when I lose clarity or can't accomplish anything?
I don't know.
I still feel like I am nowhere near the heart of the matter. Will have to dwell on this...
I don't want to feel marvelous
If I felt marvelous then I would have to confront my demons. If I feel miserable I never have the energy or time or clarity of thought to deal with myself. This is what I realized at 1Am this morning. Food isn't the only self destructive behavior I engage in.
I am struggling to find my identity and value beyond the way my clothes fit, hair falls, and number on the scale. I am also struggling the same if I do not workout, have a perfectly clean house, creatively accomplish something. The way I value me is all tied up in my looks and performance. Take those things away and I do not love myself.
Huh.
Now what?
There is no one to blame for this but me. No excuses.
I have to figure out how to surrender to God, to His truths. Truths like: I am His creation, I am beautiful because He created me, beauty is not just about looks it is everything especially ones soul, that I should be developing a carachter above rubies- the proverbs woman......
I am struggling to find my identity and value beyond the way my clothes fit, hair falls, and number on the scale. I am also struggling the same if I do not workout, have a perfectly clean house, creatively accomplish something. The way I value me is all tied up in my looks and performance. Take those things away and I do not love myself.
Huh.
Now what?
There is no one to blame for this but me. No excuses.
I have to figure out how to surrender to God, to His truths. Truths like: I am His creation, I am beautiful because He created me, beauty is not just about looks it is everything especially ones soul, that I should be developing a carachter above rubies- the proverbs woman......
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
No Excuses
The diagnosis came back yesterday. The cancer is in mom's bones, trachea, lungs. They stamped her with an expiration date of 1 to 1.5 years. Yesterday sucked. Today is moment by moment. I was thinking this morning how grand the world would be if everyone treated everyone as if each moment was valuable and precious because we don't know how rare those moments will be. I have not lived my life this way. I think my mom has been trying to tell me that for years but with the wrong words for me to get it. It came across to me as 'the sky is falling'. Not that each moment would then be perfect because nothing on earth is perfect but the world might be richer, sweeter, kinder. And while I was writing this my husband turned on the TV and I snapped at him because I am writing! Ah what a flawed person I am constantly at war with my self. This was in my email this morning from Revive Our Hearts:
No Excuses
Nancy Leigh DeMoss: Think for a minute about the first sin. Eve really couldn’t make excuses. She couldn’t blame her upbringing like so many do.
“My mom was never really there for me. I think that’s why I treat my kids the way I do.”
Nancy: She couldn’t blame her husband.
“He constantly puts me down!”
Nancy: She couldn’t blame her environment.
“I just come home so stressed. I guess I take it out on my family.”
Nancy: There were no outside factors that influenced Eve to fall to temptation. She had no financial problems, no weeds to pull, not even any in-law problems. Her problems began with herself. She made a choice.
The truth is we can’t really make excuses for our sin, either. Like Eve, we’re responsible for our own choices. James tells us “each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire.”
Have you been making excuses for sin? If so, would you admit your own responsibility and trust in the blood of Christ for forgiveness?"
The last two paragraphs.... wow... I make excuses, plenty of them. Why can't it fully sink in that sin is a choice? I choose to be grumpy and snappy by the very fact that I don't choose to count my blessings and lean on God and be at peace. I choose to eat high carb foods because I don't choose to honor my body as God's wonderful and beautiful and valuable creation. I choose to sit on the couch and feel exhausted because I don't choose to get up and exercise my beautiful body to gain more energy and endurance.
Choices. Sin. Death.
Choices. Beauty. Value. Peace. Love.
No Excuses
Nancy Leigh DeMoss: Think for a minute about the first sin. Eve really couldn’t make excuses. She couldn’t blame her upbringing like so many do.
“My mom was never really there for me. I think that’s why I treat my kids the way I do.”
Nancy: She couldn’t blame her husband.
“He constantly puts me down!”
Nancy: She couldn’t blame her environment.
“I just come home so stressed. I guess I take it out on my family.”
Nancy: There were no outside factors that influenced Eve to fall to temptation. She had no financial problems, no weeds to pull, not even any in-law problems. Her problems began with herself. She made a choice.
The truth is we can’t really make excuses for our sin, either. Like Eve, we’re responsible for our own choices. James tells us “each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire.”
Have you been making excuses for sin? If so, would you admit your own responsibility and trust in the blood of Christ for forgiveness?"
The last two paragraphs.... wow... I make excuses, plenty of them. Why can't it fully sink in that sin is a choice? I choose to be grumpy and snappy by the very fact that I don't choose to count my blessings and lean on God and be at peace. I choose to eat high carb foods because I don't choose to honor my body as God's wonderful and beautiful and valuable creation. I choose to sit on the couch and feel exhausted because I don't choose to get up and exercise my beautiful body to gain more energy and endurance.
Choices. Sin. Death.
Choices. Beauty. Value. Peace. Love.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
The Gift?
This was in my inbox this morning:
:: Every Experience Is a Gift ::
Perfectionistic parenting is rooted in the false idea
that it's bad to make a mistake or fall short of one's
expectations.
But if you think about it, you can derive value from
*any* experience -- no matter how "bad" it is or how
much pain it involves -- IF you're willing to look for
the hidden gifts.
The one gift found in *every* negative experience is
that it sharpens the contrast between what you want
and don't want, giving you an opportunity to focus
more powerfully on your desire.
When you fall short of your parenting ideals, you may
be tempted to indulge in guilt or self-deprecation.
But then you'd be modeling violence against self
and creating more negative experiences.
Today, if you find yourself facing unwanted
circumstances, or failing to uphold your own
standards, ask yourself, "What is the gift for me
in this experience?"
Such gifts are more obvious in hindsight, but why not
enjoy them *now*?
http://dailygroove.net/gift
Feel free to forward this message to your friends!
(Please include this paragraph and everything above.)
Copyright (c) 2010 by Scott Noelle"
What is the gift for me in this experience? I do know more fully what I want. I am going to have to think about it more to find anything else. I know one more, I am uncovering nasty layers of myself in order to find me behind all this hurt and lies.
I am lost without the scale. I feel like I do not know who I am without that number, that I do not know my value without it. That number has been the definition of what I felt about myself since teenager. Wow.
:: Every Experience Is a Gift ::
Perfectionistic parenting is rooted in the false idea
that it's bad to make a mistake or fall short of one's
expectations.
But if you think about it, you can derive value from
*any* experience -- no matter how "bad" it is or how
much pain it involves -- IF you're willing to look for
the hidden gifts.
The one gift found in *every* negative experience is
that it sharpens the contrast between what you want
and don't want, giving you an opportunity to focus
more powerfully on your desire.
When you fall short of your parenting ideals, you may
be tempted to indulge in guilt or self-deprecation.
But then you'd be modeling violence against self
and creating more negative experiences.
Today, if you find yourself facing unwanted
circumstances, or failing to uphold your own
standards, ask yourself, "What is the gift for me
in this experience?"
Such gifts are more obvious in hindsight, but why not
enjoy them *now*?
http://dailygroove.net/gift
Feel free to forward this message to your friends!
(Please include this paragraph and everything above.)
Copyright (c) 2010 by Scott Noelle"
What is the gift for me in this experience? I do know more fully what I want. I am going to have to think about it more to find anything else. I know one more, I am uncovering nasty layers of myself in order to find me behind all this hurt and lies.
I am lost without the scale. I feel like I do not know who I am without that number, that I do not know my value without it. That number has been the definition of what I felt about myself since teenager. Wow.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Throwing out the scale
I am putting away the scale. I mean it. into the storage building across town.
I have been living obsessed with those numbers. Sure I have turned it into a game of beat the previous days score. I step on it so often E thinks you step on the scale each time you go into the bathroom!
I have to make these changes for me. Not for numbers. Not to be sexy. Not to be desirable. Not to feel powerful and in control. Not to feel triumphant. Not to hush the voices of those around me talking about my weight.
The only numbers I should obsess with is my glucose monitor, which requires carb counting, and is the indicator of my health and this disease that is eating away at my body and lifespan.
I have been living obsessed with those numbers. Sure I have turned it into a game of beat the previous days score. I step on it so often E thinks you step on the scale each time you go into the bathroom!
I have to make these changes for me. Not for numbers. Not to be sexy. Not to be desirable. Not to feel powerful and in control. Not to feel triumphant. Not to hush the voices of those around me talking about my weight.
The only numbers I should obsess with is my glucose monitor, which requires carb counting, and is the indicator of my health and this disease that is eating away at my body and lifespan.
Trapped
I am caught between what I want and even knowing what I want really- because it is so entwined with wanting what J wants so we can be happy together kwim? Which is also severely limited by money. And if he is the moneymaker then what he wants weighs much more heavily on what our family does/has/wants/enjoys.
Have I ever really been able to pursue my dreams? No. I came close once before the Air Force when we had goats, horses, waterfowl, poultry, and lived on a cattle ranch. But the timing was wrong, the property not ours, the family entanglements to oppressive and frustrating, not enough money etc. But that has been the only time I have ever been truly happy mostly, well, when I think about it J and I fought alot, we were always wanting to travel and could not wait to get out of our hometown.
I have just lived my life, uneducated, lacking in wisdom, and way to spoiled. I have been bull headed and stupid. Yet I have let a few people practically make my choices for me. Yet, i feel I am incredibly spoiled. And yes, I just ate three more danishes......
I am seeking rock bottom? How to I set all this right? What am I doing? Who am I? How do I live with all the regret of never realizing what I want and how to go about getting it? I mean as far as education, jobs, and goals, before Ellie came along? She is such a blessing so longed for and desired and cried after that I feel like an ass even going through this right now!!!
Every parent makes mistakes, it just seems mine made alot when it came to setting me up for a future. I was told I could be anything but I was never shown or even suggested to that I had to locate the tools to make it happen! They didn't even have them. Maybe all I can do now that my life feels like an utter waste is to set Ellie up properly so she can see her path and know what to do about it, as God sees fit.
Where does God see fit for me? When one is so broken and confused what is there to do????
Have I ever really been able to pursue my dreams? No. I came close once before the Air Force when we had goats, horses, waterfowl, poultry, and lived on a cattle ranch. But the timing was wrong, the property not ours, the family entanglements to oppressive and frustrating, not enough money etc. But that has been the only time I have ever been truly happy mostly, well, when I think about it J and I fought alot, we were always wanting to travel and could not wait to get out of our hometown.
I have just lived my life, uneducated, lacking in wisdom, and way to spoiled. I have been bull headed and stupid. Yet I have let a few people practically make my choices for me. Yet, i feel I am incredibly spoiled. And yes, I just ate three more danishes......
I am seeking rock bottom? How to I set all this right? What am I doing? Who am I? How do I live with all the regret of never realizing what I want and how to go about getting it? I mean as far as education, jobs, and goals, before Ellie came along? She is such a blessing so longed for and desired and cried after that I feel like an ass even going through this right now!!!
Every parent makes mistakes, it just seems mine made alot when it came to setting me up for a future. I was told I could be anything but I was never shown or even suggested to that I had to locate the tools to make it happen! They didn't even have them. Maybe all I can do now that my life feels like an utter waste is to set Ellie up properly so she can see her path and know what to do about it, as God sees fit.
Where does God see fit for me? When one is so broken and confused what is there to do????
Perfection is impossible
Do I have a death wish? I must want to die. I carb feasted again last night as we had to stay a the inlaws one more time (they left E and I alone for a few hours to go to dinner and I practically stuffed my face with both hands) and have been out of control eating low carb goodies today (carbquick danishes).Took 40 units of Novolog over several hours to keep my Bg at 200!!! It is over 200 now.
I just feel like eating myself into oblivian. It's not that the food even tasted good. I just feel like life is spinning out of control, I am searching for a drug to slow it down. My heart aches and is empty all at once. I am spiritually, emotionally, and physically bankrupt. Only Ellie and J keep me going. I feel so trapped with no end like running in place in your dreams. And here I have even reversed the past weeks hard work and weight loss. I feel miserable. Why can't I stay focused with no relapses? It's not the diet- teh food is great. It is the 'drug' addiction that keeps me.
What is bothering me?
1. I can't get this house done it is like a nightmare I can't awaken from. And until the renovations are complete we cannot put it on the market and even then we will, of course, have no idea when or if it will sell. It is neverending and that leaves me feeling so desperate and isolated.
2. Until house sells we will be wasting time and money with J travelling so far each workday and it is so very hard on him. And I can do nothing about it. And then it will be hard trying to find a suitable home in our price range.
3. I am back to the thing that is my passion and I do not have the childcare or the money to go more than twice a month at most for riding lessons. And with no horse of my own I have no way to practice and stay fit for the demanding lessons. Riding again gives me so much joy just pure joy and I am so frustrated I can't do more! And then since we need a home in Lone Oak we can't afford a few acres to have a horse.... or the other things that give me joy- chickens, goats, gardening, heritage livestock for our food and others..... I feel I am losing me and what good is that to my family?
4. I am mad at myself because J and E should be enough joy for me.
5. I loathe my aging sagging body, my opinion of myself, my lack of joy, my lack of contributing anything to anyone.
6.I am furious at my brother for making choices that has 99% chance kicked my parents out of their home and left them with nowhere to go because he gave up and decided his wife should make the choice for him to live closer to her parents with no regard to the agony and hell my parents have been through this past year with moms near fatal cancer! Long story. Won't kow for sure untilt he hearing on May 5th
7. Mom has a scan tomorrow they suspect she has more cancer with a bad prognosis if so.
8. I am scared and worried about my parents.Mom is in constant pain and is now on a drug that helps her but is causing her to slip away from me.
9. I don't like being furious at my brother. But I can't get past this evil thing he has done right now because he has no regard for my parents agony.
10. I feel helpless.
11. I am a little upset deep down that throughout all of our travels and lack of money/ blessed with money has kept the thing that is his passion no matter what- art- and I have not been able to keep anything. Some of my passions - heirloom gardening, goats, heritage livestock- have as much potential to make us money as his art!
12. I don't like being upset about that as I love J deeply and he is an amazing husband and friend.
13. Until all this house crap is squared away I have little time for one on one with E, she just tags along, I wear her, or she plays with toys or at cleaning nearby and I pause when I can to read books and do art and am always available to snuggle.
14. I have no energy.
15. I have walked away from God again. I can't seem to stay on His path and the rollercoaster of near and far is making me exhausted.
Probably shouldn't post this because there are those who are 'close' to me who love to make trouble, but I really don't think those meddlers know about this blog.
What does this have to do with Low Carb? Everything. I didn't get so fat and unhealthy by being emotionally stable!
I just feel like eating myself into oblivian. It's not that the food even tasted good. I just feel like life is spinning out of control, I am searching for a drug to slow it down. My heart aches and is empty all at once. I am spiritually, emotionally, and physically bankrupt. Only Ellie and J keep me going. I feel so trapped with no end like running in place in your dreams. And here I have even reversed the past weeks hard work and weight loss. I feel miserable. Why can't I stay focused with no relapses? It's not the diet- teh food is great. It is the 'drug' addiction that keeps me.
What is bothering me?
1. I can't get this house done it is like a nightmare I can't awaken from. And until the renovations are complete we cannot put it on the market and even then we will, of course, have no idea when or if it will sell. It is neverending and that leaves me feeling so desperate and isolated.
2. Until house sells we will be wasting time and money with J travelling so far each workday and it is so very hard on him. And I can do nothing about it. And then it will be hard trying to find a suitable home in our price range.
3. I am back to the thing that is my passion and I do not have the childcare or the money to go more than twice a month at most for riding lessons. And with no horse of my own I have no way to practice and stay fit for the demanding lessons. Riding again gives me so much joy just pure joy and I am so frustrated I can't do more! And then since we need a home in Lone Oak we can't afford a few acres to have a horse.... or the other things that give me joy- chickens, goats, gardening, heritage livestock for our food and others..... I feel I am losing me and what good is that to my family?
4. I am mad at myself because J and E should be enough joy for me.
5. I loathe my aging sagging body, my opinion of myself, my lack of joy, my lack of contributing anything to anyone.
6.I am furious at my brother for making choices that has 99% chance kicked my parents out of their home and left them with nowhere to go because he gave up and decided his wife should make the choice for him to live closer to her parents with no regard to the agony and hell my parents have been through this past year with moms near fatal cancer! Long story. Won't kow for sure untilt he hearing on May 5th
7. Mom has a scan tomorrow they suspect she has more cancer with a bad prognosis if so.
8. I am scared and worried about my parents.Mom is in constant pain and is now on a drug that helps her but is causing her to slip away from me.
9. I don't like being furious at my brother. But I can't get past this evil thing he has done right now because he has no regard for my parents agony.
10. I feel helpless.
11. I am a little upset deep down that throughout all of our travels and lack of money/ blessed with money has kept the thing that is his passion no matter what- art- and I have not been able to keep anything. Some of my passions - heirloom gardening, goats, heritage livestock- have as much potential to make us money as his art!
12. I don't like being upset about that as I love J deeply and he is an amazing husband and friend.
13. Until all this house crap is squared away I have little time for one on one with E, she just tags along, I wear her, or she plays with toys or at cleaning nearby and I pause when I can to read books and do art and am always available to snuggle.
14. I have no energy.
15. I have walked away from God again. I can't seem to stay on His path and the rollercoaster of near and far is making me exhausted.
Probably shouldn't post this because there are those who are 'close' to me who love to make trouble, but I really don't think those meddlers know about this blog.
What does this have to do with Low Carb? Everything. I didn't get so fat and unhealthy by being emotionally stable!
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Progress then failure
Was down to 220. Followed plan all week. But failure was coming.
Been dealing with serious family issues - not with me and Jason- of health and losing a home. This situation is eating me up inside and the injustice of it by the person causing the problem is unbelievable. I am so heartbroken and angry over it.
Yesterday I spent the day driving back and forth to storage with Ellie cleaning out the utility room. I had no time to cook eggs every few hours. I ate chicken nuggets with her from a drive through, Yeah I know bad mom. I was also exhausted from sleeping at my in laws in order to attend a birthday party- where I didnt even it cake! woohoo! Had to then pack to stay at inlaws again for more family 'fun'. J is on nights so I barely see him from Thursday to Monday night between work and sleep.
A warnign of overload should have been eating 6 squares of 72% Chocolate resulting in feelings of short temper with E. But it disolved into 3pm eating 1/2 a biscuit of KFC, 3Tb of mashed taters and 2TB of gravy even after ordering the ridiculously expansive and good double down for myself- J ate half- for his breakfast as I had no time to cook and a dirty kitchen from cleaning and packing. Took alot of insulin to cover as I was already 189 from chocolate and stress.
Refused pizza before gathering but realized there was no butter to cook my eggs as I had forgotten it so I ate nothing. At gathering did not eat shortcake when everyone else did, had a bite of E's raw strawberries instead. Had to listen about low fat this, calories that cholesterol that drivel while feelign I could not speak up about the truth because 'look at me I ams til so fat who would believe me' and thus felt powerless. then discovered I was very shakey at a mere 72! So had a piece of shortcake coolwhip and all. Got back to inlaws starving.Ate three pieces of papa ohns thin crust, then 1/2 piece of shortcake. Then later 1/2 c mixed nuts, 8 club crackers, 1 Lil Debbie oatmeal pie, 1/2 cinnamon raisin bagel. An oh yeah middle of the night before I ate 1/4 bagel! I just even said outloud screw the diet I have laready failed today.
The guilt of what I ate, mixed with the guilt of others seeing my failure and fuelign their adamant anti low carb rhetoric is crushing. I was feeling so AWESOME. But I was not prepared emotionally or practically for what felt like a sudden landslide but had been building for awhile. I didn;t get this heavy because I have a healthy relationship with food and stress.
So sorry to my readers for my failure. So very very sad.
Onward!
Been dealing with serious family issues - not with me and Jason- of health and losing a home. This situation is eating me up inside and the injustice of it by the person causing the problem is unbelievable. I am so heartbroken and angry over it.
Yesterday I spent the day driving back and forth to storage with Ellie cleaning out the utility room. I had no time to cook eggs every few hours. I ate chicken nuggets with her from a drive through, Yeah I know bad mom. I was also exhausted from sleeping at my in laws in order to attend a birthday party- where I didnt even it cake! woohoo! Had to then pack to stay at inlaws again for more family 'fun'. J is on nights so I barely see him from Thursday to Monday night between work and sleep.
A warnign of overload should have been eating 6 squares of 72% Chocolate resulting in feelings of short temper with E. But it disolved into 3pm eating 1/2 a biscuit of KFC, 3Tb of mashed taters and 2TB of gravy even after ordering the ridiculously expansive and good double down for myself- J ate half- for his breakfast as I had no time to cook and a dirty kitchen from cleaning and packing. Took alot of insulin to cover as I was already 189 from chocolate and stress.
Refused pizza before gathering but realized there was no butter to cook my eggs as I had forgotten it so I ate nothing. At gathering did not eat shortcake when everyone else did, had a bite of E's raw strawberries instead. Had to listen about low fat this, calories that cholesterol that drivel while feelign I could not speak up about the truth because 'look at me I ams til so fat who would believe me' and thus felt powerless. then discovered I was very shakey at a mere 72! So had a piece of shortcake coolwhip and all. Got back to inlaws starving.Ate three pieces of papa ohns thin crust, then 1/2 piece of shortcake. Then later 1/2 c mixed nuts, 8 club crackers, 1 Lil Debbie oatmeal pie, 1/2 cinnamon raisin bagel. An oh yeah middle of the night before I ate 1/4 bagel! I just even said outloud screw the diet I have laready failed today.
The guilt of what I ate, mixed with the guilt of others seeing my failure and fuelign their adamant anti low carb rhetoric is crushing. I was feeling so AWESOME. But I was not prepared emotionally or practically for what felt like a sudden landslide but had been building for awhile. I didn;t get this heavy because I have a healthy relationship with food and stress.
So sorry to my readers for my failure. So very very sad.
Onward!
Monday, April 19, 2010
Day 8 Thoughts
I'm behind!
We came to Nashville yesterday morning and between all the packing and cleaning before we left and cooking (low carb) and visiting when we got here I lost track of my menu. I also don't have a scale here so it will be Wed. morning before I can weigh in again.
I ate all low carb yesterday, two meals were eggs per usual. I also walked a mile carrying E in her mei tai of course. And got 8 hours of sleep.
Today we are going to the zoo with my parents- lots of walking. It is E's first trip! I am so excited.
I think I will just stay on plan and pick up recording on Wed. Maybe not? I don't know. We'll see.
We came to Nashville yesterday morning and between all the packing and cleaning before we left and cooking (low carb) and visiting when we got here I lost track of my menu. I also don't have a scale here so it will be Wed. morning before I can weigh in again.
I ate all low carb yesterday, two meals were eggs per usual. I also walked a mile carrying E in her mei tai of course. And got 8 hours of sleep.
Today we are going to the zoo with my parents- lots of walking. It is E's first trip! I am so excited.
I think I will just stay on plan and pick up recording on Wed. Maybe not? I don't know. We'll see.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Day 7 Thoughts, SUCCESS!
220.2 This morning! 6.4lblost this week! Wow! I feel great!
My mood is stable, I have tons of energy, my house is close to sparkling and decluttered thanks to FlyLady and the energy, my clothes fit better, I'm happier, my family is happier, the checkbook is happier (eating 3-4 meals a day of eggs, butter, cheese is very economical!)Thank you Jimmy Moore for the inspiration yet again!
While this is not an Egg Fest in the way Jimmy did, it is an EggFest that worked and is still working for me. With no sign of getting tired of eggs but still craving that buttery, cheesey, fluffy goodness that takes less than 5 minutes to make and minimal kitchen mess, what's not to love!
What rules have I stuck to?
1. Eat within 30 minutes of waking.
2. Always pair each egg eaten with 1TB of butter and 1oz of cheese and only once a day, if desired, add a sweetner.
3. Always have eggs for breakfast as it starts the day off on the right foot.
4. All meals that aren't eggs are to be under 12-15g carbs max, for no more than 30g carbs a day. Can fit in low carb sweets under those parameters if I want.
5. Do at least 15 minutes a day of movement (walking, workout, calisthenics, chasing E around yard etc.)
6. Get at least 8 hours of sleep total a day, nap as needed with Ellie.
7. Take time for Bible and prayer.
8. Keep a food journal including on FitDay.
9. LOVE MYSELF because without valuing myself I can't value or love others.
10. RELAX and SMILE!
My mood is stable, I have tons of energy, my house is close to sparkling and decluttered thanks to FlyLady and the energy, my clothes fit better, I'm happier, my family is happier, the checkbook is happier (eating 3-4 meals a day of eggs, butter, cheese is very economical!)Thank you Jimmy Moore for the inspiration yet again!
While this is not an Egg Fest in the way Jimmy did, it is an EggFest that worked and is still working for me. With no sign of getting tired of eggs but still craving that buttery, cheesey, fluffy goodness that takes less than 5 minutes to make and minimal kitchen mess, what's not to love!
What rules have I stuck to?
1. Eat within 30 minutes of waking.
2. Always pair each egg eaten with 1TB of butter and 1oz of cheese and only once a day, if desired, add a sweetner.
3. Always have eggs for breakfast as it starts the day off on the right foot.
4. All meals that aren't eggs are to be under 12-15g carbs max, for no more than 30g carbs a day. Can fit in low carb sweets under those parameters if I want.
5. Do at least 15 minutes a day of movement (walking, workout, calisthenics, chasing E around yard etc.)
6. Get at least 8 hours of sleep total a day, nap as needed with Ellie.
7. Take time for Bible and prayer.
8. Keep a food journal including on FitDay.
9. LOVE MYSELF because without valuing myself I can't value or love others.
10. RELAX and SMILE!
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Day 6 Thoughts
Weighed 222.4 this morning, I ate really late last night the steak parmesan so I think that has something to do with only losing a few ounces. Will see what tomorrow brings.
Well, it is no longer Egg Fest as much as low carb dedication. I won't have a menu for today as we went to a party and I have no idea how to figure 4 pieces of pizza hut combo pizza toppings only. I did bring eggs, butter and cheese and ate that before the party, and also for breakfast and supper. Lots of tempting foods and Js parents as well as the party but I did not let myself be tempted.
Well, it is no longer Egg Fest as much as low carb dedication. I won't have a menu for today as we went to a party and I have no idea how to figure 4 pieces of pizza hut combo pizza toppings only. I did bring eggs, butter and cheese and ate that before the party, and also for breakfast and supper. Lots of tempting foods and Js parents as well as the party but I did not let myself be tempted.
Friday, April 16, 2010
Day 5 Menu
DAY 5
222.6 this morning
7:30Am 2e, 2b, 2o chedder, 1/2c almond milk, 2Tb cream
10:30Am 3 HI choco chip cookies
.2pm ham salad, pinch of cookie
6pm 2e, 2b, 2ozcream cheese
8:30 1/8c tomato sauce, 1/2c mozzarella, carbquick breaded cube steak, 1/4c zuchinni quarters, 1/2 cookie
Drank lots of water. Walked 1.5 miles morning and afternoon.
2,312cal 199.5fat 29.8carb 111.1pro
76%fat 19%pro 5%carb
222.6 this morning
7:30Am 2e, 2b, 2o chedder, 1/2c almond milk, 2Tb cream
10:30Am 3 HI choco chip cookies
.2pm ham salad, pinch of cookie
6pm 2e, 2b, 2ozcream cheese
8:30 1/8c tomato sauce, 1/2c mozzarella, carbquick breaded cube steak, 1/4c zuchinni quarters, 1/2 cookie
Drank lots of water. Walked 1.5 miles morning and afternoon.
2,312cal 199.5fat 29.8carb 111.1pro
76%fat 19%pro 5%carb
Day 5 Thoughts, Changes
Yesterday was crazy but I stuck to plan. No carb cravings.
Today, Day 5, I weigh 222.6 without E nursing yet.... but instead of estimating milk weight I decided to just record the scale reading. That is about 1/2lb lost since yesterday morning.
My definition of EggFest now means:
1. 2 eggs, 2Tb butter, 2-3 oz cheese within 30 minutes of waking.
2. no more than 12g carbs per meal
3. eggs for as many meals as I care to have
4. try to eat every 3 hours and never more than 5 hours apart.
5. no food within 3 hours of bedtime
Onward!
Today, Day 5, I weigh 222.6 without E nursing yet.... but instead of estimating milk weight I decided to just record the scale reading. That is about 1/2lb lost since yesterday morning.
My definition of EggFest now means:
1. 2 eggs, 2Tb butter, 2-3 oz cheese within 30 minutes of waking.
2. no more than 12g carbs per meal
3. eggs for as many meals as I care to have
4. try to eat every 3 hours and never more than 5 hours apart.
5. no food within 3 hours of bedtime
Onward!
Day 4
Day 4 (Thursday) Menu
8:30 Am 2e, 2oz queso, 2 T butter
12:00 Carbquick Garden Impossible Pie with ham, 6g carb per serving, I ate 2
Cannot recall the rest and did not write it down :^( I'll try to do better today!
I don't think I ate enough today.
8:30 Am 2e, 2oz queso, 2 T butter
12:00 Carbquick Garden Impossible Pie with ham, 6g carb per serving, I ate 2
Cannot recall the rest and did not write it down :^( I'll try to do better today!
I don't think I ate enough today.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Day 4 Thoughts
UPDATE I weighed 223 this morning! I have lost 3.8 lbs since Monday. So, what I am doing is working. Had eggs this morning and see no reason why not for lunch, I am getting spoiled to how quick and easy they are!
E has not slept well at all since Monday night. I am more than a bit afraid that the eggs are affecting her...
It is hard to resist temptation especially when the temptation is low carb and would normally be ok. Like the Danishes I made for J last night and ate two of, well three... Not sure what the scale will say as I won't weigh until I get up with E later this morning. I am also sleep deprived this week which also does not help.
So my EggFest isn't so much and egg fest as Jimmy's. Bless his heart that does take some serious gumption,commitment, and passion!
I do think 6 small meals a day may work best for me while breastfeeding and keeping odd hours otherwise I am going into starvation mode. That has been an important lesson here. Also that I have broken the carb addiction. This morning I feel great, no sign of the induction flu and have tons of energy despite being exhausted. My mood is very stable, my head clear, we will see if that lasts today.
This week while not a complete success- I have broken many rules- has been very successful and well worth it. I have not gone hungry, I have satisfied cravings with low carb foods and without going over 30 carbs a day. I have also learned that I snack alot if I am hungry, even while fixing my meal, so I need to reinstitute the drink an entire glass of water and have a little almond or coconut milk if I need to while I cook. As well as to wait a mere 15 minutes before diving into dessert or more food. That is still plenty of time to work with the pre meal bolus insulin if needed. I also need to be dilligent about eating my foods in FitDay and keeping a food journal again. These were key to my weight loss in 08 but I thought I could be lazy.
Hmmm.. lazy...that is another subject but at least FlyLady is halping me out of that, I even have a shiny sink as of last night! That gives me something to obsess over, control, and be perfectionist with while I chill about everything else and learn to relax and takle things in baby steps. This not only applies to my eating, diabetes, weight loss, health gaining, housework, it also applies to my self.
So does EggFest continue today? I don't know. Maybe. I am seriously craving some eggs!!
E has not slept well at all since Monday night. I am more than a bit afraid that the eggs are affecting her...
It is hard to resist temptation especially when the temptation is low carb and would normally be ok. Like the Danishes I made for J last night and ate two of, well three... Not sure what the scale will say as I won't weigh until I get up with E later this morning. I am also sleep deprived this week which also does not help.
So my EggFest isn't so much and egg fest as Jimmy's. Bless his heart that does take some serious gumption,commitment, and passion!
I do think 6 small meals a day may work best for me while breastfeeding and keeping odd hours otherwise I am going into starvation mode. That has been an important lesson here. Also that I have broken the carb addiction. This morning I feel great, no sign of the induction flu and have tons of energy despite being exhausted. My mood is very stable, my head clear, we will see if that lasts today.
This week while not a complete success- I have broken many rules- has been very successful and well worth it. I have not gone hungry, I have satisfied cravings with low carb foods and without going over 30 carbs a day. I have also learned that I snack alot if I am hungry, even while fixing my meal, so I need to reinstitute the drink an entire glass of water and have a little almond or coconut milk if I need to while I cook. As well as to wait a mere 15 minutes before diving into dessert or more food. That is still plenty of time to work with the pre meal bolus insulin if needed. I also need to be dilligent about eating my foods in FitDay and keeping a food journal again. These were key to my weight loss in 08 but I thought I could be lazy.
Hmmm.. lazy...that is another subject but at least FlyLady is halping me out of that, I even have a shiny sink as of last night! That gives me something to obsess over, control, and be perfectionist with while I chill about everything else and learn to relax and takle things in baby steps. This not only applies to my eating, diabetes, weight loss, health gaining, housework, it also applies to my self.
So does EggFest continue today? I don't know. Maybe. I am seriously craving some eggs!!
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Day 3
DAY 3
224.6, not huge loss but .2 better than up or same!
4:30 sausage ball, 1/2c almond milk w 2tb cream
8:45 2e,2b,2oz queso fresco, 1/4c almond milk, eggs were yummy- no nausea
took nap with E I was so tired!
12:00 2e,2b,2oz queso, 1/4c cream, 1/2c almond milk, 1T almond butter, 2 squares 72% Lindt, 3 sausage balls.....
20 minute walk (1.25 miles) carrying E (20lbs)
5:00 2e,2b,2oz queso, 1 T fresh made yogurt
intense housework 1 hour
8:30 2 small lc danishes...... had to make them for J......
2,295cal 200.4fat 29.6carb 97.5pro
Drinking more water today. Feel like I have induction flu. Close to miserable. Scattered thoughts, jittery, achey, tired, irritable.... bG still averaging 120-150!!! Lantus 7u am and pm....
224.6, not huge loss but .2 better than up or same!
4:30 sausage ball, 1/2c almond milk w 2tb cream
8:45 2e,2b,2oz queso fresco, 1/4c almond milk, eggs were yummy- no nausea
took nap with E I was so tired!
12:00 2e,2b,2oz queso, 1/4c cream, 1/2c almond milk, 1T almond butter, 2 squares 72% Lindt, 3 sausage balls.....
20 minute walk (1.25 miles) carrying E (20lbs)
5:00 2e,2b,2oz queso, 1 T fresh made yogurt
intense housework 1 hour
8:30 2 small lc danishes...... had to make them for J......
2,295cal 200.4fat 29.6carb 97.5pro
Drinking more water today. Feel like I have induction flu. Close to miserable. Scattered thoughts, jittery, achey, tired, irritable.... bG still averaging 120-150!!! Lantus 7u am and pm....
Day 3 Thoughts
Only .2 lb lost since yesterday morning but 2lb total since Monday morning.
I have learned that I delude myself with little lies. 'I have been waiting for Carbquick for so long, they say it doesn't stall weightloss or raise bg, so a little will be ok, besides I am so nauseas'. Which leads to an equivalant of four carbquick biscuits between the cinnamon 3 minute one, the two at dinner, and the few sausage balls. Honestly, I think I would have been ok with myself if I had just 1 but eating the equivalant of 4 is addiction and symptom of that greater problem within.
Onward! EggFest struggles on...
I have learned that I delude myself with little lies. 'I have been waiting for Carbquick for so long, they say it doesn't stall weightloss or raise bg, so a little will be ok, besides I am so nauseas'. Which leads to an equivalant of four carbquick biscuits between the cinnamon 3 minute one, the two at dinner, and the few sausage balls. Honestly, I think I would have been ok with myself if I had just 1 but eating the equivalant of 4 is addiction and symptom of that greater problem within.
Onward! EggFest struggles on...
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Day 2
DAY 2
224.8!
4:30Am 1tsp almond butter and 1/2c almond milk as I was exceedingly nauseas and half asleep.... mini failure! Onward! Remember to FLY (finally loving yourself) I think I will wait until we wake up again to eat an egg since I had the almond butter? I don't know I am seriously craving an egg with every fiber of my being..... I thought 1T of butter per egg would be greasy, it is not, it is unbelievably yummy and satiating!!! ok ok on to the egg if E stays asleep, ummm nope awake now
9:30 2e, 2b, 2oz queso fresco
12:00 1/4c nuts, kitchen disaster, Ellie food first, was so weak had to have something
12:40 2e, 2b, 3oz queso fresco
3:00 1t almond butter 1 square Lindt 70% chocolate, 2 T cream in 1/2c almond breeze milk, hungry but could not stand the htought of an egg, so very nauseaus....
This is where the day dissolves. My brain was so foggy and it hurt to breath I was so sick and tired. I couldn't take care of E properly!
5:00pm Carbquick had come in and I made a cinnamon biscuit as I prepped E's dinner. I then had a chicken breast patty and 1 Tb mayo, and 1oz queso fresco
8pm J needed dinner tonight so I made Carbquick biscuits and ham as well as sausage balls for his dinner and meals the next day. I ate two biscuits and a bit of ham with a smidge of butter and three sausage balls.
2,142cal 180.4fat 37.7carbs 91.5pro 76%fat, 7%carbs, 8%pro
Will see what the scale brings. We also cleaned house like mad and walked a mile. What to do about the weakness, brain fog, and nausea while home alone with an active 1 year old and also breastfeeding on cue???? Was the almond butter and chocolate responsible for the nausea and tiredness? Not wishing to eat another egg..... Will see what the morning brings.
224.8!
4:30Am 1tsp almond butter and 1/2c almond milk as I was exceedingly nauseas and half asleep.... mini failure! Onward! Remember to FLY (finally loving yourself) I think I will wait until we wake up again to eat an egg since I had the almond butter? I don't know I am seriously craving an egg with every fiber of my being..... I thought 1T of butter per egg would be greasy, it is not, it is unbelievably yummy and satiating!!! ok ok on to the egg if E stays asleep, ummm nope awake now
9:30 2e, 2b, 2oz queso fresco
12:00 1/4c nuts, kitchen disaster, Ellie food first, was so weak had to have something
12:40 2e, 2b, 3oz queso fresco
3:00 1t almond butter 1 square Lindt 70% chocolate, 2 T cream in 1/2c almond breeze milk, hungry but could not stand the htought of an egg, so very nauseaus....
This is where the day dissolves. My brain was so foggy and it hurt to breath I was so sick and tired. I couldn't take care of E properly!
5:00pm Carbquick had come in and I made a cinnamon biscuit as I prepped E's dinner. I then had a chicken breast patty and 1 Tb mayo, and 1oz queso fresco
8pm J needed dinner tonight so I made Carbquick biscuits and ham as well as sausage balls for his dinner and meals the next day. I ate two biscuits and a bit of ham with a smidge of butter and three sausage balls.
2,142cal 180.4fat 37.7carbs 91.5pro 76%fat, 7%carbs, 8%pro
Will see what the scale brings. We also cleaned house like mad and walked a mile. What to do about the weakness, brain fog, and nausea while home alone with an active 1 year old and also breastfeeding on cue???? Was the almond butter and chocolate responsible for the nausea and tiredness? Not wishing to eat another egg..... Will see what the morning brings.
Day 1 Journal
Start weight 226.6
5:30am 2 eggs, 2 TB butter, 1oz chedder
9:30am 2 eggs, 2TB butter, 2oz cream cheese, was not hungry but ate anyway next time will fix one egg....
12:45 2eggs, 2T butter, 2oz cream cheese, sprinkle of cinammon and 2 caps DaVinci Pancake. Eggs still taste great just had a yuck moment with a potential fertile spot in my free range egg.....hence the cinammon and DaVinci's but I wish I hadn't. Should have just chucked the offending egg and moved on....Also 4 swallows of beer before deciding it was not good for the diet!
4:00 1/8c peanuts, I was starving and J had the kitchen upside down installing a new dw
7:45 so exhausted ate dinner with family, 1/4c green beans, 1 chicken breast patty, 1T mayo, 1 lc wrap, 1/2c spring greens, 2T almond butter, 2 squares 72% chocolate, 1/2c almond milk
cal 2,146, fat198.0 carb27.0 pro 71.9
82% fat, 14% pro, 4% carbs
Also wondering how this is effecting Ellie who has an egg sensitivity she still nurses frequently. She had diarrhea all afternoon....
I however had a very stable mood day! Did feel very tired and crampy. I also felt this way the last times I have cut carbs on the first couple of days. My carb addiction is very intense esp due to abusing my bodies response to it as I am a diabetic just as one would alcohol or drugs.....
I am calling today a success anyways, also because the scale said I had lost 1.4lbs. Onward!
5:30am 2 eggs, 2 TB butter, 1oz chedder
9:30am 2 eggs, 2TB butter, 2oz cream cheese, was not hungry but ate anyway next time will fix one egg....
12:45 2eggs, 2T butter, 2oz cream cheese, sprinkle of cinammon and 2 caps DaVinci Pancake. Eggs still taste great just had a yuck moment with a potential fertile spot in my free range egg.....hence the cinammon and DaVinci's but I wish I hadn't. Should have just chucked the offending egg and moved on....Also 4 swallows of beer before deciding it was not good for the diet!
4:00 1/8c peanuts, I was starving and J had the kitchen upside down installing a new dw
7:45 so exhausted ate dinner with family, 1/4c green beans, 1 chicken breast patty, 1T mayo, 1 lc wrap, 1/2c spring greens, 2T almond butter, 2 squares 72% chocolate, 1/2c almond milk
cal 2,146, fat198.0 carb27.0 pro 71.9
82% fat, 14% pro, 4% carbs
Also wondering how this is effecting Ellie who has an egg sensitivity she still nurses frequently. She had diarrhea all afternoon....
I however had a very stable mood day! Did feel very tired and crampy. I also felt this way the last times I have cut carbs on the first couple of days. My carb addiction is very intense esp due to abusing my bodies response to it as I am a diabetic just as one would alcohol or drugs.....
I am calling today a success anyways, also because the scale said I had lost 1.4lbs. Onward!
Monday, April 12, 2010
My EggFest begins!
"You are not behind- you are just getting started!" -FlyLady
Jimmy Moore has been doing an EggFest for a month now. He just ended this past Saturday. I read about it when he started and thought about starting. But I was not there yet. I was to addicted to carbs again and had no real desire to change. The past few weeks of severe mood swings, some depression, weight gain, and lack of much joy in life has made me jump off the cliff and into LC again.
I am going to follow the plan lined out on Day 1 of Jimmy's menu blog one meal at a time and see how long it goes. One moment at a time might work best for me as I am always setting lofty goals that I think are attainable but are not. FlyLady has taught me that about myself. It's like her quote that is a favorite of mine: "The voices that you hear in your head keep telling you that you are behind and you have to get it all done now! We are going to quiet those negative voices that are beating you up constantly and replace with a loving gentle voice that tells you that you are not behind and you can do this one BabyStep at a time!"
I think that my weight loss stalled and I became so discouraged because I was not eating small meals with high fat, adequate protein and low carbs every three hours. Breastfeeding is very demanding and it changed my metabolism. Looking back I lost alot of pounds eating every few hours and drinking lots of water to get my supply established and then I started following the rules that made me lose so much weight last time and I stalled. I think this is further evidenced by the fact I have been on a carb fest and only put on 2lbs over the past 6 weeks! I am still breastfeeding on cue so I believe my metabolism has not reverted to 'normal'. I also keep odd hours irregularly due to J's schedule and necessity so I will continue to eat within 30 minutes of waking up if I am going to be up more than an hour even if I know I am going back to sleep for a few hours.
Here are my dozen guidelines, most borrowed from Jimmy as seen in the link above:
1. Must eat eggs as the primary source of fat and protein.
2. 1 tablespoon of butter or coconut oil used per egg consumed.
3. I must eat an egg no later than 30 minutes after waking.
4. The egg meals ideally should be eaten every 3 hours, but not more than every 5 hours.
5. I will follow this schedule even if I'm not hungry, however I'll only have 1 egg when that happens.
6. Cheese will be permitted up to one ounce per egg.
7. A minimum of a half-dozen eggs must be consumed daily.
8. The eggs will be local pastured eggs loaded with healthy omega-3 fats and vitamin D.
9. Egg consumption will cease three hours before bedtime
10. Diet soda will be allowed up to 3 cans daily with a goal of 1 or less. Or 4 TB or less of DaVinci a day.
11. Post my menu at the end of each day.
12. Take each moment as it comes! Love myself!
Let the EggFest begin!
Jimmy Moore has been doing an EggFest for a month now. He just ended this past Saturday. I read about it when he started and thought about starting. But I was not there yet. I was to addicted to carbs again and had no real desire to change. The past few weeks of severe mood swings, some depression, weight gain, and lack of much joy in life has made me jump off the cliff and into LC again.
I am going to follow the plan lined out on Day 1 of Jimmy's menu blog one meal at a time and see how long it goes. One moment at a time might work best for me as I am always setting lofty goals that I think are attainable but are not. FlyLady has taught me that about myself. It's like her quote that is a favorite of mine: "The voices that you hear in your head keep telling you that you are behind and you have to get it all done now! We are going to quiet those negative voices that are beating you up constantly and replace with a loving gentle voice that tells you that you are not behind and you can do this one BabyStep at a time!"
I think that my weight loss stalled and I became so discouraged because I was not eating small meals with high fat, adequate protein and low carbs every three hours. Breastfeeding is very demanding and it changed my metabolism. Looking back I lost alot of pounds eating every few hours and drinking lots of water to get my supply established and then I started following the rules that made me lose so much weight last time and I stalled. I think this is further evidenced by the fact I have been on a carb fest and only put on 2lbs over the past 6 weeks! I am still breastfeeding on cue so I believe my metabolism has not reverted to 'normal'. I also keep odd hours irregularly due to J's schedule and necessity so I will continue to eat within 30 minutes of waking up if I am going to be up more than an hour even if I know I am going back to sleep for a few hours.
Here are my dozen guidelines, most borrowed from Jimmy as seen in the link above:
1. Must eat eggs as the primary source of fat and protein.
2. 1 tablespoon of butter or coconut oil used per egg consumed.
3. I must eat an egg no later than 30 minutes after waking.
4. The egg meals ideally should be eaten every 3 hours, but not more than every 5 hours.
5. I will follow this schedule even if I'm not hungry, however I'll only have 1 egg when that happens.
6. Cheese will be permitted up to one ounce per egg.
7. A minimum of a half-dozen eggs must be consumed daily.
8. The eggs will be local pastured eggs loaded with healthy omega-3 fats and vitamin D.
9. Egg consumption will cease three hours before bedtime
10. Diet soda will be allowed up to 3 cans daily with a goal of 1 or less. Or 4 TB or less of DaVinci a day.
11. Post my menu at the end of each day.
12. Take each moment as it comes! Love myself!
Let the EggFest begin!
Saturday, March 20, 2010
218 today!
I know, I know. One shouldn't step on the scale every day. I couldn't resist the temptation.
I think the Vitamin D has made a big differance. Can't wait to see what my levels are. And probably also hearing that all is well with the Dr, I had some concerns...
Lovely day, headed outside soon!!!
I think the Vitamin D has made a big differance. Can't wait to see what my levels are. And probably also hearing that all is well with the Dr, I had some concerns...
Lovely day, headed outside soon!!!
Friday, March 19, 2010
220 today!!!
Dr tested me last Friday, awaiting results, for T3 T4 and TSH. Suspects thyroid and PCOS. Might finally have confirmation. Also tested my Vitamin D level.
Might see below 220 soon! Yay! What have I done differently? Quit caring. Quad and ab work every few days. Lots of time outside. MORE SLEEP which the DR thought was m main weight loss stall problem! I have been in bed by 10 sleep till 4, up till 6:30 and asleep till 10 or 10:30. Plus 30 min naps. Lots of laughing and focusing on E and playing. Consciously not stressing about house or finances.
Off to bed with me.
Might see below 220 soon! Yay! What have I done differently? Quit caring. Quad and ab work every few days. Lots of time outside. MORE SLEEP which the DR thought was m main weight loss stall problem! I have been in bed by 10 sleep till 4, up till 6:30 and asleep till 10 or 10:30. Plus 30 min naps. Lots of laughing and focusing on E and playing. Consciously not stressing about house or finances.
Off to bed with me.
Monday, March 15, 2010
Ahem
After a week of all of us with severe stomach virus, then two weeks of ear infection torture with Ellie (still going on...) I have been off plan. I have not, however, gained any weight maybe due to loss of muscle from being able to workout maybe due to lots of nursing. Went to Dr on Friday. She said that my sleep pattern is likely the culprit in my 6 month weight loss stall. She also ran a TSH and Free T3 and T4 Thyroid test just in case. I am supposed to know the results in a couple weeks.... I went off plan because I had to keep down something as I was burning 500 calories a day breastfeeding as E was so sick that was all she was eating again. Then I got rebellious and so very unhappy with the bouts of warmer shorts weather and the way my body lumps and sags... I even quit checking my bG very often! Yikes. I hate to see the A1C she just drew on Friday, my guess is around 10 again.
I realized this morning that I am unhappy. I think it is because I am not meeting the expectations for myself that I have. I need a new set because even my Bible read through every 90 days this year resoloution is, I have found, impossible. It went great for 6 weeks but I am still in the middle of Isaiah because my life as a mom and a wife does not allow me the luxury of 1 hour of reading time a day! I need to be realistic about my abilities and time when I set goals for myself. If I am not meeting goals I feel I am a failure and I start beating up on myself, feel worthless and abuse carbs and am just so GRUMPY due to the carbs and moods. And tempers are already a bit short over here as we adjust to the reality of this schedule of J's, his time and distance from work (1 hr 20min commute 1 way!), and our lack of money despite how much he is making. Our low carb grocery bill plus E's snacks and carbs are running us $120 a week on average!!! Lets not talk about gas and taxes.... so we have no enjoyment money and no savings, he is working so hard and we are still barely making it each month with no way to even pay off the student loans that come due soon! I feel so trapped and blessed at the same time. There just seems to be no break from the pressure. Esp with E ill, the antibiotic has her so wired as does her pain level that she doesnt even take naps and it is a battle to get her to sleep at night. J and I have had no alone time together for 3 weeks now not even to sit and talk or watch TV together.
So my new goals?
1. Read at least 1 chapter of Bible a day.
2. Spend time in prayer twice a day, morning and night, at least.
3. Maintain a bG average in the 90's. Besides it will help everything else!
4. Walk 10 minutes a day. E can fuss or cry if she needs to while J watches her for just those 10 minutes on treadmill.
5. NO MORE CHEATING WITH CARBS!
6. Nap when E does. I need the sleep desperately even if I have to go through a season of a messy house.
7. A clean ENOUGH house means: trash taken out, no more than 1 sink of dirty dishes, clean floors, clean towels, cloth diapers and clothes, clean bathroom, clean sheets, clean countertops and stove, horizontal clutter collected into a bin each night
8. At least first 10 minutes of Body Electric a day which gets a warm up and weights for 2 body parts
9. When playing with E, to not be thinking of other things.
10. To say something sincerely nice to J every day. And if possible to do something nice for him each day.
11. Do something nice for myself each day and find a way to love my body.
12. Drink 10 glasses of water and take my vitamins.
I realized this morning that I am unhappy. I think it is because I am not meeting the expectations for myself that I have. I need a new set because even my Bible read through every 90 days this year resoloution is, I have found, impossible. It went great for 6 weeks but I am still in the middle of Isaiah because my life as a mom and a wife does not allow me the luxury of 1 hour of reading time a day! I need to be realistic about my abilities and time when I set goals for myself. If I am not meeting goals I feel I am a failure and I start beating up on myself, feel worthless and abuse carbs and am just so GRUMPY due to the carbs and moods. And tempers are already a bit short over here as we adjust to the reality of this schedule of J's, his time and distance from work (1 hr 20min commute 1 way!), and our lack of money despite how much he is making. Our low carb grocery bill plus E's snacks and carbs are running us $120 a week on average!!! Lets not talk about gas and taxes.... so we have no enjoyment money and no savings, he is working so hard and we are still barely making it each month with no way to even pay off the student loans that come due soon! I feel so trapped and blessed at the same time. There just seems to be no break from the pressure. Esp with E ill, the antibiotic has her so wired as does her pain level that she doesnt even take naps and it is a battle to get her to sleep at night. J and I have had no alone time together for 3 weeks now not even to sit and talk or watch TV together.
So my new goals?
1. Read at least 1 chapter of Bible a day.
2. Spend time in prayer twice a day, morning and night, at least.
3. Maintain a bG average in the 90's. Besides it will help everything else!
4. Walk 10 minutes a day. E can fuss or cry if she needs to while J watches her for just those 10 minutes on treadmill.
5. NO MORE CHEATING WITH CARBS!
6. Nap when E does. I need the sleep desperately even if I have to go through a season of a messy house.
7. A clean ENOUGH house means: trash taken out, no more than 1 sink of dirty dishes, clean floors, clean towels, cloth diapers and clothes, clean bathroom, clean sheets, clean countertops and stove, horizontal clutter collected into a bin each night
8. At least first 10 minutes of Body Electric a day which gets a warm up and weights for 2 body parts
9. When playing with E, to not be thinking of other things.
10. To say something sincerely nice to J every day. And if possible to do something nice for him each day.
11. Do something nice for myself each day and find a way to love my body.
12. Drink 10 glasses of water and take my vitamins.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Update
Fully low carb habit now. Had a cake in the house and still have a carton of regular ice cream due to a part and touched nor want to touch either. Strawberries and blueberries and even cream tastes intensely sweet now. Gotta go again
Monday, February 8, 2010
Still going!
Sorry for the lack of posting. Family has been ill. I have also been sleeping right after J leaves instead of staying up. My bG has even improved due to this. At 224 now... have been doing great on treadmill. More later.....
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Treadmill!
Last night I did it. I quit talking about it and did it. I got on the treadmill for 20 minutes, .80 mile. I jogged for three minutes 2x at 4mph. I put it on an incline of 10 for 4 minutes at 3mph. It felt great! So good to jog again. Won't talk about the mammma belly that is tender this morning. Yay! Poor Ellie was upset, she did not like the mechanical noises or momma jogging. She only cried a bit as Da had her, holding her, dancing with her and playing. Low carb went well per normal except this morning I had 1 square inch of bagel with cream cheese with some club soda as J and I are both exceedingly nauseaus. Yuck! But it did settle my stomach to a bearable and functioning level. Which is very good as I have much to do before the 5-6" snow over sleet they are forcasting. We are having to pack up and go to the town 30 minutes closer to Jason's work so he does not have nearly 1 1/2 hours of driving in this mess. I would rather be snuggled at home but E will certainly enjoy her grandparents Hargrove. I hope to speak with J's brother about diabetes tonight he has just been put on Lantus.... Off to Bible reading and laundry.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
10 Steps for Low Carb Success
It amazes me how choosing low carb is just natural for me now. I don't think about cooking any other way. I am not tempted by what I see on TV or in ads or menus. I look at them and say "hmmm, wonder if I can do that in a healthy and low carb way". How did I arrive here? What do I think are some key points to this successful lifestyle change?
1. Deep Motivation. I am motivated by wanting to live to see my daughter grow up and enjoy physical things with my family like hiking, horseback riding, kayaking and etc. I was motivated by low self esteem and desiring to look like a model but over time I have replaced that false motivation that is shallow and easy to drown in a pint of ice cream. I am also deeply motivated by the numbers on my glucose meter. I am now in a 30-day average of 97 and am on tiny amounts of insulin!
2. Support. I am blessed by a supportive husband who has chosen low carb also to lose the dangerous fat around his middle, and now as I recently saw on Jimmy Moore's post of low carb testimonies from reader, lessening his borderline sleep apnea. The Dr. Bernstein community forum. Blogs and personal emails from fellow low carbers like Jimmy Moore's Livin' La Vida Low Carb, The Lighter Side of Low Carb, Carbs Suck and more.
3. Journaling. I use my blog to record and 'put out there' anything I am dealing with on this journey as I tackle my health and diabetes. It is a process as I did not arrive at this weight over night and there are many emotional factors that helped add many of the pounds. I am working on shedding them pound by pound also. I am also trying to record some great recipes as I have time. This provides motivation also as I look back on photos and older posts from time to time, especially if I am feeling down I can see how far I have come.
4. A Stack of Low Carb Cookbooks. I have thousands of recipes bookmarked online, I love them. I print favorites out and put them in a binder in the kitchen so I can take notes on changes and impressions as I tailor them to us. But there is something so affirming, friendly, and supportive in having a nice stack of cookbooks from George Stella and Dana Carpender to greet me! And yes, I take notes in the margins of them also!
5. Low Carb Research. Between Dr. Bernstein's Diabetes Soloution book and forum, and Jimmy Moore's timely interviews and research of the leaders in low carb and health I can stay informed about my disease and low carb. This research just serves to back up and affirm the changes I am seeing in my blood panels, glucose meter, clothes size, moods, complexion,clarity of mind, and overall sense of well being and energy. I also enjoyed the DVD documentaries My Big Fat Diet about a Dr and First Nation's people of Alert Bay losing weight and gaining health by going back to a traditional low carb diet, and Fat Head a comedy documentary full of accurate research about the myths and truth of cholesterol and low carb.
6. Exercise. A commitment to move at least 15 minutes every day serves as a launching pad for more exercise as I have time during the day- I have an 11 month old so that is how most of my time is spent, there is little time for organized efforts! And if all I get in is 15 minutes I have met my commitment and do not feel guilty, thus easing stress and aiding in happiness and self esteem.
7. De Stressing. Essential to identify what is making me feel stress and find soloutions to ease it or remedy it.
8. Above All Prayer, God and Jesus!
9. Counting My Blessings. And realizing that I AM actually very happy and content. I just don't always see it. No, that does not mean I ignore real issues or deny myself sadness, it means I am truly happy most of the time and fail to recognize it.
10. One Step at a Time, One Day At A Time!
1. Deep Motivation. I am motivated by wanting to live to see my daughter grow up and enjoy physical things with my family like hiking, horseback riding, kayaking and etc. I was motivated by low self esteem and desiring to look like a model but over time I have replaced that false motivation that is shallow and easy to drown in a pint of ice cream. I am also deeply motivated by the numbers on my glucose meter. I am now in a 30-day average of 97 and am on tiny amounts of insulin!
2. Support. I am blessed by a supportive husband who has chosen low carb also to lose the dangerous fat around his middle, and now as I recently saw on Jimmy Moore's post of low carb testimonies from reader, lessening his borderline sleep apnea. The Dr. Bernstein community forum. Blogs and personal emails from fellow low carbers like Jimmy Moore's Livin' La Vida Low Carb, The Lighter Side of Low Carb, Carbs Suck and more.
3. Journaling. I use my blog to record and 'put out there' anything I am dealing with on this journey as I tackle my health and diabetes. It is a process as I did not arrive at this weight over night and there are many emotional factors that helped add many of the pounds. I am working on shedding them pound by pound also. I am also trying to record some great recipes as I have time. This provides motivation also as I look back on photos and older posts from time to time, especially if I am feeling down I can see how far I have come.
4. A Stack of Low Carb Cookbooks. I have thousands of recipes bookmarked online, I love them. I print favorites out and put them in a binder in the kitchen so I can take notes on changes and impressions as I tailor them to us. But there is something so affirming, friendly, and supportive in having a nice stack of cookbooks from George Stella and Dana Carpender to greet me! And yes, I take notes in the margins of them also!
5. Low Carb Research. Between Dr. Bernstein's Diabetes Soloution book and forum, and Jimmy Moore's timely interviews and research of the leaders in low carb and health I can stay informed about my disease and low carb. This research just serves to back up and affirm the changes I am seeing in my blood panels, glucose meter, clothes size, moods, complexion,clarity of mind, and overall sense of well being and energy. I also enjoyed the DVD documentaries My Big Fat Diet about a Dr and First Nation's people of Alert Bay losing weight and gaining health by going back to a traditional low carb diet, and Fat Head a comedy documentary full of accurate research about the myths and truth of cholesterol and low carb.
6. Exercise. A commitment to move at least 15 minutes every day serves as a launching pad for more exercise as I have time during the day- I have an 11 month old so that is how most of my time is spent, there is little time for organized efforts! And if all I get in is 15 minutes I have met my commitment and do not feel guilty, thus easing stress and aiding in happiness and self esteem.
7. De Stressing. Essential to identify what is making me feel stress and find soloutions to ease it or remedy it.
8. Above All Prayer, God and Jesus!
9. Counting My Blessings. And realizing that I AM actually very happy and content. I just don't always see it. No, that does not mean I ignore real issues or deny myself sadness, it means I am truly happy most of the time and fail to recognize it.
10. One Step at a Time, One Day At A Time!
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Reconnection
I am really enjoying life since I am no longer weighing every day! Ha! Who would have thought? I also realize something after my riding lesson. Well, a few things really. Due to the birth circumstances I felt like becoming a mother happened to me. I had no control over the process there was no gradual evoloution as my body birthed her slowly and my mind and soul learned to let go of the need to control and learned to just let God happen. Instead it was sudden, tragic, and brutal and as she was cut from my belly my life as mom was forced on me abruptly and my first act was of being unable to protect my daughter the complete failure to provide her with a peaceful, loving, quiet transition earthside. I love being a mom. But as of Saturday I feel, almost a year later, that I am ME the Star I have always known who has become a mom also. Somehow out on that horse reconnecting with my hopes and dreams and passions that have always been with me, I connected. Even my body which has seemed so foreign and split open at the center of my gravity, and my hips which were locked, opened and connected and feel like me again. Wow, what it must be like to have riding therapy for those with disabilities and injuries. I am a better mom, wife, and person after this reconnection. Not perfect, never will be. But I am now doing this as ME and feel at home in my body.
This has greatly improved my stress level, ability to sleep, and joy for life. What a blessing!
This has greatly improved my stress level, ability to sleep, and joy for life. What a blessing!
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Back In the Saddle Again!
My new 7 day is 93 and 30 day is 97!
I am pleased. I have also as of yesterday taken up a hobby from long long ago- riding lessons! Great exercise and balance possibilities and absolutely tons of fun and ME time. I can only go about 2x a month but still! And it gives me motivation of another kind than weight control, to do situps, pushups and wall sits, so that I can progress in my riding. I want to ride dressage and jumpers again. I so miss it. And right now J and E are having fun playing while I catch up and reading and typing.
Friday, January 22, 2010
About Myself, Smiling?
I realized something this morning. I did not feel like reading Bible as I was so very tired and I went back to bed. I lay there awake thinking and praying. I don't know how to exhibit happiness. I am happy and content often but do not smile. I hide all my emotions until I explode with frustration which used to happen frequently until I got my bG under control. I have been focusing on relieving stress in my life. And on the day Evelyn passed on I got to thinking about the novel concept of counting blessings. Seems I can do much clear thinking now which completely disproves that low carb destroys your brain! Relieving stress is well and good but when you pair that with counting your blessings I think anyone would arrive at the same conclusion- okay, I have these awesome blessings, now what?
Now what indeed! I don't think it does much good to analyze the whys of how I got to be this way. I do know that I recall as a child always having to hide my true emotions and the problems and home and being lectured if not putting on a happy face at gatherings- "it's showtime" so that no one could guess the truth of what was going on in our household. I rarely saw my mom happy she most often wore a solemn look of determination or of sadness. But parents do the best they can do, it is all that any of us can do, so I am not placing blame. And maybe realizing these things will help me break the cycle and not hobble Ellie in this way- that is my hope. I want to model happiness for E so that she can see what that is like. Not a fabrication of happiness. I want her to be able to express her emotions and show them, happy, sad, angry, frustrated- whatever. So I have to figure out how to smile and be relaxed when I feel that way instead of hiding it in a solemn look of determination. I rarely laugh anymore except that I laugh often at E she is such a delight, but my husband is truly funny he is a really jovial kind of person and I have not been letting him see I find him amusing. Can you believe that? I like seriousness and broodiness, but why?
I also learned as a child that the one's worth is arrived at by accomplishments. If a job was well done, and the harder the job the better, then you could relax a bit. But perfection demanded you keep thinking about those jobs and how to improve your performance. I learned that by Mom's example. She was a perfectionist at housecleaning and sewing and it has served her well she has a very exciting career now, but unless all is perfect she is not happy and to this day I NEVER see her relax and have joy. She is always stressed. Early on in our marriage it would drive me insane how slowly and joyfully J got a job accomplished. I could run circles around him with a stern look on my face the whole time. We had so many arguments about it, but I could never figure out why I felt so frustrated and angry about it, I just thought he was lazy and did not know HOW to do things and I should teach him. And of course my anger and frustration got worse when I began to see he was never going to learn those things from me- efficiency and speed and solemnity- because I was a terrible teacher and example! Why would anyone want to do to themselves what I was doing?
And I am doing the same still. I, of late, feel like I am holding my breath each day until nap times until I can explode into a fury of housework to try to get the house as clean and perfect as I can- never being satisfied with what I accomplish. Trying to balance that with studies and journaling and exercise. And I am missing moments of Ellies life stressing out until the next nap comes. How terrible!!!
I am trying to relax but could not figure out how. Maybe today was a breakthrough?
And along the lines of self worth: I have tied my self worth and attractiveness to my husband and others with what I can accomplish and how quickly and perfectly, and how perfect my body can look. And I never achieve it and never will. I used to think I was so huge and ugly as a teenager. I look at those photos now I am solid muscle, tiny, tan and beautiful- well I was then! I never knew that. I want E to know better. To have an accurate and Godly sense of self and value. I have never been able to accept that J still finds me attractive and chose me above anyone else- I have always felt he deserved a supermodel and someday I would succeed in becoming like one. so I have hated my body and abused it in numerous ways- one of which is eating carb laden foods as comfort and pushing myself into diabetes. So very sad that so much of my life has been wrapped up in these silly ideas and quests. Where was my mentor? I only had glimpses of them. That is another topic for another day maybe.
Now, how do I smile more? I guess I need to put on 'radar' as a priority "hey, I feel happy or I feel content, this is nice, SMILE"
Why does all this go on a low carb blog? have I lost my focus? No. Because this lifestyle is about becoming healthy inside and out.
Well, of course, I googled it and came up with The Happiness Project So far, thought provoking and inspirational didn't realize till I read all the comments that she is an author. Plan to spend some more time reading here.
Now what indeed! I don't think it does much good to analyze the whys of how I got to be this way. I do know that I recall as a child always having to hide my true emotions and the problems and home and being lectured if not putting on a happy face at gatherings- "it's showtime" so that no one could guess the truth of what was going on in our household. I rarely saw my mom happy she most often wore a solemn look of determination or of sadness. But parents do the best they can do, it is all that any of us can do, so I am not placing blame. And maybe realizing these things will help me break the cycle and not hobble Ellie in this way- that is my hope. I want to model happiness for E so that she can see what that is like. Not a fabrication of happiness. I want her to be able to express her emotions and show them, happy, sad, angry, frustrated- whatever. So I have to figure out how to smile and be relaxed when I feel that way instead of hiding it in a solemn look of determination. I rarely laugh anymore except that I laugh often at E she is such a delight, but my husband is truly funny he is a really jovial kind of person and I have not been letting him see I find him amusing. Can you believe that? I like seriousness and broodiness, but why?
I also learned as a child that the one's worth is arrived at by accomplishments. If a job was well done, and the harder the job the better, then you could relax a bit. But perfection demanded you keep thinking about those jobs and how to improve your performance. I learned that by Mom's example. She was a perfectionist at housecleaning and sewing and it has served her well she has a very exciting career now, but unless all is perfect she is not happy and to this day I NEVER see her relax and have joy. She is always stressed. Early on in our marriage it would drive me insane how slowly and joyfully J got a job accomplished. I could run circles around him with a stern look on my face the whole time. We had so many arguments about it, but I could never figure out why I felt so frustrated and angry about it, I just thought he was lazy and did not know HOW to do things and I should teach him. And of course my anger and frustration got worse when I began to see he was never going to learn those things from me- efficiency and speed and solemnity- because I was a terrible teacher and example! Why would anyone want to do to themselves what I was doing?
And I am doing the same still. I, of late, feel like I am holding my breath each day until nap times until I can explode into a fury of housework to try to get the house as clean and perfect as I can- never being satisfied with what I accomplish. Trying to balance that with studies and journaling and exercise. And I am missing moments of Ellies life stressing out until the next nap comes. How terrible!!!
I am trying to relax but could not figure out how. Maybe today was a breakthrough?
And along the lines of self worth: I have tied my self worth and attractiveness to my husband and others with what I can accomplish and how quickly and perfectly, and how perfect my body can look. And I never achieve it and never will. I used to think I was so huge and ugly as a teenager. I look at those photos now I am solid muscle, tiny, tan and beautiful- well I was then! I never knew that. I want E to know better. To have an accurate and Godly sense of self and value. I have never been able to accept that J still finds me attractive and chose me above anyone else- I have always felt he deserved a supermodel and someday I would succeed in becoming like one. so I have hated my body and abused it in numerous ways- one of which is eating carb laden foods as comfort and pushing myself into diabetes. So very sad that so much of my life has been wrapped up in these silly ideas and quests. Where was my mentor? I only had glimpses of them. That is another topic for another day maybe.
Now, how do I smile more? I guess I need to put on 'radar' as a priority "hey, I feel happy or I feel content, this is nice, SMILE"
Why does all this go on a low carb blog? have I lost my focus? No. Because this lifestyle is about becoming healthy inside and out.
Well, of course, I googled it and came up with The Happiness Project So far, thought provoking and inspirational didn't realize till I read all the comments that she is an author. Plan to spend some more time reading here.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Low Carb and Cancer
I apologize in advance for lack of links to research, I'll get them.
I lost a cousin to cancer yesterday, Evelyn. She passed they said with not even a furrow in her brow just a serene smile and she knew they were all there an hour after they removed the ventilator. This family, her mom, Aunt Grace (my mom's dad's sister so actually a Great Aunt) is the most glowing on fire for Jesus in a completely real and inspirational way. When any of them walk into a room it just lights up, you can see the fire in their eyes and joy in their soul. They are about ministry and love. As is Aunt Grace's sister Aunt Carolyn who lost her daughter, Marsha, to lung cancer 2 years ago Aunt Carolyn's husband Uncle Kenneth is a minister. Also such an inspirational couple. The kind of people I want to be. I wish they still lived here. Maryland seems so far away. Grandad's entire family was/is involved in ministry. What I am trying to say is that what a tragedy to befall....but their strength and faith gives me more.
And more determination. My mom was 1 year past diagnosis of a very fast moving and devastating advanced breast cancer. She has been declared breast cancer free but they see some suspicious spots. She sees her Dr team this coming Tuesday. We may know more then. We are taking each day as it comes and trying to live in hope and joy without fear. I feel like a sitting duck. I think on my odds of having cancer daily. For in this family line almost all women have had breast, lung, or ovarian cancer.
Determination because I know that low carb kills cancer as it starves the cancer cells for sugar. It has been proven to reverse it. Remember what I said about providing research? I will. Just not now as I need to get to my Bible reading this morning.
I put away my scale. I need no more stress. I feel much happier without it staring me in the face. Weight loss stall or not. No backsliding for me. I want to live a long happy life with my family, if God is willing.
I lost a cousin to cancer yesterday, Evelyn. She passed they said with not even a furrow in her brow just a serene smile and she knew they were all there an hour after they removed the ventilator. This family, her mom, Aunt Grace (my mom's dad's sister so actually a Great Aunt) is the most glowing on fire for Jesus in a completely real and inspirational way. When any of them walk into a room it just lights up, you can see the fire in their eyes and joy in their soul. They are about ministry and love. As is Aunt Grace's sister Aunt Carolyn who lost her daughter, Marsha, to lung cancer 2 years ago Aunt Carolyn's husband Uncle Kenneth is a minister. Also such an inspirational couple. The kind of people I want to be. I wish they still lived here. Maryland seems so far away. Grandad's entire family was/is involved in ministry. What I am trying to say is that what a tragedy to befall....but their strength and faith gives me more.
And more determination. My mom was 1 year past diagnosis of a very fast moving and devastating advanced breast cancer. She has been declared breast cancer free but they see some suspicious spots. She sees her Dr team this coming Tuesday. We may know more then. We are taking each day as it comes and trying to live in hope and joy without fear. I feel like a sitting duck. I think on my odds of having cancer daily. For in this family line almost all women have had breast, lung, or ovarian cancer.
Determination because I know that low carb kills cancer as it starves the cancer cells for sugar. It has been proven to reverse it. Remember what I said about providing research? I will. Just not now as I need to get to my Bible reading this morning.
I put away my scale. I need no more stress. I feel much happier without it staring me in the face. Weight loss stall or not. No backsliding for me. I want to live a long happy life with my family, if God is willing.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Progress Report.
I have had many little victories lately. 3"s off my waist. Down two pant sizes and almost down to another- almost a size 16! Walked by chocolate cake, brownies, doughnuts, pasta, pizza etc. and never even gave it a second thought. Have relaxed with myself about overzealous expectations and workout schedules so that I am happy and comfortable instead of in a fidgit trying to accomplish it all and letting life speed by. Still reading the Bible per the Bible in 90 Days program. All is good. My weight just isn't budging right now. Going to have J put the scale in the storage shed and lock the door. It is one temptation I cannot beat. And it causes me enormous stress, worry and fretting. The clothes do not lie I do not know why the scale does. I also missed my Dr appt yesterday as we took E to the park for the first time.
Friday, January 15, 2010
Perfected Low Carb Cornbread
Here is the picture as a teaser. YUMMY!
I am an expert southern cast iron skillet cornbread maker and I finally have created a very very acceptable low carb without any corn!
2/3c Soy flour
1/2c whey protein powder
2Tablespoons Oat bran
1teaspoon baking powder
1/2 t salt
4T melted butter
3 eggs
3/4c ricotta cheese
1c cheddar shreds
1t crushed red pepper flakes
1/2 Fiberfit (liquid sucralose sweetened fiber)
2T cream
Oil to cover bottom of cast iron skillet thinly.
Preheat oven, and oiled skillet to 350degrees
Combine dry in small bowl. Combine wet and cheeses in large bowl. Add cream if needed for a cake batter consistency. Pout into hot skillet. Oil should come up over edges. Bake 30 minutes or until like photo. I cut it into 12 servings for 4.03 carbs per slice including fiber!
Total Recipe not counting oil for skillet or subtracting fiber, as FitDay won't calculate fiber: 1744 calories, 102 Fat, 48.4 Carbs, 186.9 Protein (note, this count depens on whether or not your pro powder is heat stable. If it is it will say so on the label, if not then the amount of protein is questionable.)
I am so frustrated! I have put away the scale since the 4th or thereabouts. Weighed today. 228!!!! I am getting to walk 4x a week about a mile, I know I need more but the weather has been icy AND windy so hard to have E out long in the wrap and she is scared of the treadmill despite all I can do, it is a stage she is going through with the vacuum also so she cries and clings and even da wont do at night, it wakes her up if shes napping and I am to clumsy to justify wearign her while on the treadmill. I get to do half a bellydance workout and half a body scult workout about 5x a week. I have not cheated since the Holidays and even that was miniscule. I am using 75% less insulin. Having a pro shake for breakfast. Limited snacking as in not everyday and amounts of all food is measured. Carb count is always under 40 and usually at 30. My new 30 day average according to meter is 100bG woohoo!!!!
Possible problems? Sleep is not adequate I get about 6 for the first stretch and then am up for a couple hours to see J and fix food for him as he goes to work then as it is my only ME time to study Bible, diabetes, child rearing/education and do housework unencumbered, then I go back to bed for 1 or 2 hours and nurse E again throughout that time but I am also sleeping. Lack of good sleep causes stress and stress causes slow weight loss due to cortisol I am told. It could be hormones out of whack or thyroid since having E. We have insurance now so I am seeing a family Dr Monday for Diabetes and blood panel. And if he doesn't do a thyroid and hormone work up then I hear great things about the gyn I see in March. I am mid 30's I forget how old and that may play a part also. I am also extremely tired all the time.
Trudging on.
Possible problems? Sleep is not adequate I get about 6 for the first stretch and then am up for a couple hours to see J and fix food for him as he goes to work then as it is my only ME time to study Bible, diabetes, child rearing/education and do housework unencumbered, then I go back to bed for 1 or 2 hours and nurse E again throughout that time but I am also sleeping. Lack of good sleep causes stress and stress causes slow weight loss due to cortisol I am told. It could be hormones out of whack or thyroid since having E. We have insurance now so I am seeing a family Dr Monday for Diabetes and blood panel. And if he doesn't do a thyroid and hormone work up then I hear great things about the gyn I see in March. I am mid 30's I forget how old and that may play a part also. I am also extremely tired all the time.
Trudging on.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Saturday, January 9, 2010
3 inches off waist in 2 weeks!
Yay! My belt now fits on the tightest notch, comfortably. Seriously, I am sitting here at the computer with it that way. And I haven't put away the scale... going to do it today....
I feel great. I really really do. We have gone visiting today and right now E is happily playing with Da and his parents. Bliss. I was unsure of what we had to eat here so I packed J's bento box with enough tuna, veggies, and such for all three of us. Came in handy. No excuse not to have low carb on the go now. Except that I need my own since J's is at work all the time. Again no endorsements. But this thing is AWESOME!
Rishara, I did get a 6-pack of Hanson's Root Beer. I contacted the company and the Kroger in Murray had it. YUMMY! We love it. Thank you for the tip!!! Can't wait to try it just with some cream. Sadly, I have figured out Breyer's CarbSmart is raising my bG. So no more. I need to make up some homemade ice creams. I have some great recipes especially from the Dr. Bernstein forum.
I feel great. I really really do. We have gone visiting today and right now E is happily playing with Da and his parents. Bliss. I was unsure of what we had to eat here so I packed J's bento box with enough tuna, veggies, and such for all three of us. Came in handy. No excuse not to have low carb on the go now. Except that I need my own since J's is at work all the time. Again no endorsements. But this thing is AWESOME!
Rishara, I did get a 6-pack of Hanson's Root Beer. I contacted the company and the Kroger in Murray had it. YUMMY! We love it. Thank you for the tip!!! Can't wait to try it just with some cream. Sadly, I have figured out Breyer's CarbSmart is raising my bG. So no more. I need to make up some homemade ice creams. I have some great recipes especially from the Dr. Bernstein forum.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
I am so very tired today. Backlash of having been ill and take care of everyone anyway without help? I just feel so blah and am a bit depressed with everything that is going on right now. Trying to decide what to do about debt, another car, moving, selling or renting this house, when etc. etc. etc. I keep thinking that it would all be okay and I would be happy all the time if I were just thinner and fit. Why is that? And if this is the attitude I have then won't I just lapse into overeating and becoming fat again once I am thin and fit? I am so happy and so blessed about so much in my life I just feel like I need a bit of a change and some fun and excitement for a day or two. you know, good excitement not stressful bad worrying excitement of something going wrong. Gotta go. E calls again after only a 10 minute nap.......
Boiled Custard for Breakfast
Still stalled.... Seriously putting away the scale until Feb 7. What is the worst that can happen as I am sticking to this WOE? That I maintain this weight and I keep stressing out dying to step on the scale 3 times a day- can I consider that as exercise? Best that can happen? I am surprised by losing 1 lb or so, and also gain some peace and confidence and happiness. I really think low carb treats, hormones, stress, sleep schedule are doing me in. But it is the best I can do at the moment. I don't even have a schedule because E sets that for me and she never ever tells me in advance so it is always a guessing game! I know some of you know what that is like, and thank you for your support, it means so much as I go through this. I am very very happy most of the time though, but sometimes I feel the need to be a little selfish- liek this blog for example- to keep myself sane.
I had low carb treats the go round before E and still lost tons of weight all at once. So I am not convinced that is to lame for the stall. I am suspecting that the more strenuous the exercise the more my body hold onto weight as it is protecting my milk supply.... Going to hook up the treadmill and try brisk walking and some flow yoga only this month.
I am also quiet happy with a protein shake for breakfast. I am putting a raw egg, cream, water, a cap of vanilla flavoring, pinch of salt and 2 caps vanilla DaVinci's into a blender with 1 scoop of Designer Whey Natural pro powder. TASTES LIKE BOILED CUSTARD!!! Yummy. Just discovered this yesterday. Y'all have got to try it, especially you Southerners who grew up on boiled custard. I also dicovered that if you put some DietRite Zero over a serving of Breyer's Carb Smart Vanilla Ice Cream, add some heavy cream to make it milky looking it is a SUPERB float. Cannot wait to try it once I find the Diet Shasta's around here... with ORANGE and ROOT BEER! why aren't there more soda manufacturer's using just Splenda and not aspartame? Health risks, mythical or not, aside I cannot stand the taste.
Am I supposed to tell you I recieve no endorsement money from these companies? If so, I don't never will and never have, and if I ever do for whatever reason I will let you know ahead of time. Ok? Don't you love government at work? Can't trust the people to be smart and wise and make good choices of common sense now can we?
Just thinking about not weighing and not doing Total Body Sculpt, Body Electric and All Star Workouts makes me ancy.... I am an addict. Apparently of many addictions.
I had low carb treats the go round before E and still lost tons of weight all at once. So I am not convinced that is to lame for the stall. I am suspecting that the more strenuous the exercise the more my body hold onto weight as it is protecting my milk supply.... Going to hook up the treadmill and try brisk walking and some flow yoga only this month.
I am also quiet happy with a protein shake for breakfast. I am putting a raw egg, cream, water, a cap of vanilla flavoring, pinch of salt and 2 caps vanilla DaVinci's into a blender with 1 scoop of Designer Whey Natural pro powder. TASTES LIKE BOILED CUSTARD!!! Yummy. Just discovered this yesterday. Y'all have got to try it, especially you Southerners who grew up on boiled custard. I also dicovered that if you put some DietRite Zero over a serving of Breyer's Carb Smart Vanilla Ice Cream, add some heavy cream to make it milky looking it is a SUPERB float. Cannot wait to try it once I find the Diet Shasta's around here... with ORANGE and ROOT BEER! why aren't there more soda manufacturer's using just Splenda and not aspartame? Health risks, mythical or not, aside I cannot stand the taste.
Am I supposed to tell you I recieve no endorsement money from these companies? If so, I don't never will and never have, and if I ever do for whatever reason I will let you know ahead of time. Ok? Don't you love government at work? Can't trust the people to be smart and wise and make good choices of common sense now can we?
Just thinking about not weighing and not doing Total Body Sculpt, Body Electric and All Star Workouts makes me ancy.... I am an addict. Apparently of many addictions.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
The working out is not going so well. Have not been able to since Friday morning. Was down with flu. Finally able today and did not get back into morning routine as E woke up as her da left and cried for him calling his name so I had to get her up and take her to the door for kisses and byes. Then she kept waking up and staring at me every time I moved thinking I might be leaving also I guess.... Anyways she is FINALLY sound asleep. However, her animal sounds puzzle is in the floor and if I go near it will set off a loud cacophany of animal screams.... Will attempt anyway at 6:30's workout on FitTv.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Dr. B interviewed on Jimmy Moore's Show!
Looking forward to listening to this one--- still recovering from flu and taking care of E....
Monday, January 4, 2010
I', here, I'm here! Haven't fallen off the wagon or thrown in the towel. We went to Nashville on Friday and Saturday. Friday night Elie started puking, we thought it was just a fluke as she had no fever and was playing great so Saturday at 10a we went shopping and I am in jeans three sizes smaller! Now an 18 and L yoga pants instead of XL!!! Then Sat. night she started again and we headed home. She puked that night and Sunday. J and I started getting sick Sunday and are miserable... J is at work and I am chasing a much better seemingly healed energetic 10 month old while wishing I could curl up in the fetal position and read or watch a movie. No working out since Friday morning. bG is okay except a rise to 210 after feeling sorry for myself and nauseous and eating 15 club crackers..... Yuck!!!
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