Indeed.
Could it be because:
I keep falling and I am tired of falling and failing at everything?
I get so wrapped up in the rapture of devotion time and then life comes along and I slam to the cold ground?
Don't feel worthy?
Lazy?
I read the Bible and get confused about what it means for me and am afraid I will go off on some detrimental path just as I did with that home worship group years ago?
Becasue I get so enraptured and zealous and then I get so discouraged when I lose clarity or can't accomplish anything?
I don't know.
I still feel like I am nowhere near the heart of the matter. Will have to dwell on this...
Friday, April 30, 2010
I don't want to feel marvelous
If I felt marvelous then I would have to confront my demons. If I feel miserable I never have the energy or time or clarity of thought to deal with myself. This is what I realized at 1Am this morning. Food isn't the only self destructive behavior I engage in.
I am struggling to find my identity and value beyond the way my clothes fit, hair falls, and number on the scale. I am also struggling the same if I do not workout, have a perfectly clean house, creatively accomplish something. The way I value me is all tied up in my looks and performance. Take those things away and I do not love myself.
Huh.
Now what?
There is no one to blame for this but me. No excuses.
I have to figure out how to surrender to God, to His truths. Truths like: I am His creation, I am beautiful because He created me, beauty is not just about looks it is everything especially ones soul, that I should be developing a carachter above rubies- the proverbs woman......
I am struggling to find my identity and value beyond the way my clothes fit, hair falls, and number on the scale. I am also struggling the same if I do not workout, have a perfectly clean house, creatively accomplish something. The way I value me is all tied up in my looks and performance. Take those things away and I do not love myself.
Huh.
Now what?
There is no one to blame for this but me. No excuses.
I have to figure out how to surrender to God, to His truths. Truths like: I am His creation, I am beautiful because He created me, beauty is not just about looks it is everything especially ones soul, that I should be developing a carachter above rubies- the proverbs woman......
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
No Excuses
The diagnosis came back yesterday. The cancer is in mom's bones, trachea, lungs. They stamped her with an expiration date of 1 to 1.5 years. Yesterday sucked. Today is moment by moment. I was thinking this morning how grand the world would be if everyone treated everyone as if each moment was valuable and precious because we don't know how rare those moments will be. I have not lived my life this way. I think my mom has been trying to tell me that for years but with the wrong words for me to get it. It came across to me as 'the sky is falling'. Not that each moment would then be perfect because nothing on earth is perfect but the world might be richer, sweeter, kinder. And while I was writing this my husband turned on the TV and I snapped at him because I am writing! Ah what a flawed person I am constantly at war with my self. This was in my email this morning from Revive Our Hearts:
No Excuses
Nancy Leigh DeMoss: Think for a minute about the first sin. Eve really couldn’t make excuses. She couldn’t blame her upbringing like so many do.
“My mom was never really there for me. I think that’s why I treat my kids the way I do.”
Nancy: She couldn’t blame her husband.
“He constantly puts me down!”
Nancy: She couldn’t blame her environment.
“I just come home so stressed. I guess I take it out on my family.”
Nancy: There were no outside factors that influenced Eve to fall to temptation. She had no financial problems, no weeds to pull, not even any in-law problems. Her problems began with herself. She made a choice.
The truth is we can’t really make excuses for our sin, either. Like Eve, we’re responsible for our own choices. James tells us “each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire.”
Have you been making excuses for sin? If so, would you admit your own responsibility and trust in the blood of Christ for forgiveness?"
The last two paragraphs.... wow... I make excuses, plenty of them. Why can't it fully sink in that sin is a choice? I choose to be grumpy and snappy by the very fact that I don't choose to count my blessings and lean on God and be at peace. I choose to eat high carb foods because I don't choose to honor my body as God's wonderful and beautiful and valuable creation. I choose to sit on the couch and feel exhausted because I don't choose to get up and exercise my beautiful body to gain more energy and endurance.
Choices. Sin. Death.
Choices. Beauty. Value. Peace. Love.
No Excuses
Nancy Leigh DeMoss: Think for a minute about the first sin. Eve really couldn’t make excuses. She couldn’t blame her upbringing like so many do.
“My mom was never really there for me. I think that’s why I treat my kids the way I do.”
Nancy: She couldn’t blame her husband.
“He constantly puts me down!”
Nancy: She couldn’t blame her environment.
“I just come home so stressed. I guess I take it out on my family.”
Nancy: There were no outside factors that influenced Eve to fall to temptation. She had no financial problems, no weeds to pull, not even any in-law problems. Her problems began with herself. She made a choice.
The truth is we can’t really make excuses for our sin, either. Like Eve, we’re responsible for our own choices. James tells us “each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire.”
Have you been making excuses for sin? If so, would you admit your own responsibility and trust in the blood of Christ for forgiveness?"
The last two paragraphs.... wow... I make excuses, plenty of them. Why can't it fully sink in that sin is a choice? I choose to be grumpy and snappy by the very fact that I don't choose to count my blessings and lean on God and be at peace. I choose to eat high carb foods because I don't choose to honor my body as God's wonderful and beautiful and valuable creation. I choose to sit on the couch and feel exhausted because I don't choose to get up and exercise my beautiful body to gain more energy and endurance.
Choices. Sin. Death.
Choices. Beauty. Value. Peace. Love.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
The Gift?
This was in my inbox this morning:
:: Every Experience Is a Gift ::
Perfectionistic parenting is rooted in the false idea
that it's bad to make a mistake or fall short of one's
expectations.
But if you think about it, you can derive value from
*any* experience -- no matter how "bad" it is or how
much pain it involves -- IF you're willing to look for
the hidden gifts.
The one gift found in *every* negative experience is
that it sharpens the contrast between what you want
and don't want, giving you an opportunity to focus
more powerfully on your desire.
When you fall short of your parenting ideals, you may
be tempted to indulge in guilt or self-deprecation.
But then you'd be modeling violence against self
and creating more negative experiences.
Today, if you find yourself facing unwanted
circumstances, or failing to uphold your own
standards, ask yourself, "What is the gift for me
in this experience?"
Such gifts are more obvious in hindsight, but why not
enjoy them *now*?
http://dailygroove.net/gift
Feel free to forward this message to your friends!
(Please include this paragraph and everything above.)
Copyright (c) 2010 by Scott Noelle"
What is the gift for me in this experience? I do know more fully what I want. I am going to have to think about it more to find anything else. I know one more, I am uncovering nasty layers of myself in order to find me behind all this hurt and lies.
I am lost without the scale. I feel like I do not know who I am without that number, that I do not know my value without it. That number has been the definition of what I felt about myself since teenager. Wow.
:: Every Experience Is a Gift ::
Perfectionistic parenting is rooted in the false idea
that it's bad to make a mistake or fall short of one's
expectations.
But if you think about it, you can derive value from
*any* experience -- no matter how "bad" it is or how
much pain it involves -- IF you're willing to look for
the hidden gifts.
The one gift found in *every* negative experience is
that it sharpens the contrast between what you want
and don't want, giving you an opportunity to focus
more powerfully on your desire.
When you fall short of your parenting ideals, you may
be tempted to indulge in guilt or self-deprecation.
But then you'd be modeling violence against self
and creating more negative experiences.
Today, if you find yourself facing unwanted
circumstances, or failing to uphold your own
standards, ask yourself, "What is the gift for me
in this experience?"
Such gifts are more obvious in hindsight, but why not
enjoy them *now*?
http://dailygroove.net/gift
Feel free to forward this message to your friends!
(Please include this paragraph and everything above.)
Copyright (c) 2010 by Scott Noelle"
What is the gift for me in this experience? I do know more fully what I want. I am going to have to think about it more to find anything else. I know one more, I am uncovering nasty layers of myself in order to find me behind all this hurt and lies.
I am lost without the scale. I feel like I do not know who I am without that number, that I do not know my value without it. That number has been the definition of what I felt about myself since teenager. Wow.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Throwing out the scale
I am putting away the scale. I mean it. into the storage building across town.
I have been living obsessed with those numbers. Sure I have turned it into a game of beat the previous days score. I step on it so often E thinks you step on the scale each time you go into the bathroom!
I have to make these changes for me. Not for numbers. Not to be sexy. Not to be desirable. Not to feel powerful and in control. Not to feel triumphant. Not to hush the voices of those around me talking about my weight.
The only numbers I should obsess with is my glucose monitor, which requires carb counting, and is the indicator of my health and this disease that is eating away at my body and lifespan.
I have been living obsessed with those numbers. Sure I have turned it into a game of beat the previous days score. I step on it so often E thinks you step on the scale each time you go into the bathroom!
I have to make these changes for me. Not for numbers. Not to be sexy. Not to be desirable. Not to feel powerful and in control. Not to feel triumphant. Not to hush the voices of those around me talking about my weight.
The only numbers I should obsess with is my glucose monitor, which requires carb counting, and is the indicator of my health and this disease that is eating away at my body and lifespan.
Trapped
I am caught between what I want and even knowing what I want really- because it is so entwined with wanting what J wants so we can be happy together kwim? Which is also severely limited by money. And if he is the moneymaker then what he wants weighs much more heavily on what our family does/has/wants/enjoys.
Have I ever really been able to pursue my dreams? No. I came close once before the Air Force when we had goats, horses, waterfowl, poultry, and lived on a cattle ranch. But the timing was wrong, the property not ours, the family entanglements to oppressive and frustrating, not enough money etc. But that has been the only time I have ever been truly happy mostly, well, when I think about it J and I fought alot, we were always wanting to travel and could not wait to get out of our hometown.
I have just lived my life, uneducated, lacking in wisdom, and way to spoiled. I have been bull headed and stupid. Yet I have let a few people practically make my choices for me. Yet, i feel I am incredibly spoiled. And yes, I just ate three more danishes......
I am seeking rock bottom? How to I set all this right? What am I doing? Who am I? How do I live with all the regret of never realizing what I want and how to go about getting it? I mean as far as education, jobs, and goals, before Ellie came along? She is such a blessing so longed for and desired and cried after that I feel like an ass even going through this right now!!!
Every parent makes mistakes, it just seems mine made alot when it came to setting me up for a future. I was told I could be anything but I was never shown or even suggested to that I had to locate the tools to make it happen! They didn't even have them. Maybe all I can do now that my life feels like an utter waste is to set Ellie up properly so she can see her path and know what to do about it, as God sees fit.
Where does God see fit for me? When one is so broken and confused what is there to do????
Have I ever really been able to pursue my dreams? No. I came close once before the Air Force when we had goats, horses, waterfowl, poultry, and lived on a cattle ranch. But the timing was wrong, the property not ours, the family entanglements to oppressive and frustrating, not enough money etc. But that has been the only time I have ever been truly happy mostly, well, when I think about it J and I fought alot, we were always wanting to travel and could not wait to get out of our hometown.
I have just lived my life, uneducated, lacking in wisdom, and way to spoiled. I have been bull headed and stupid. Yet I have let a few people practically make my choices for me. Yet, i feel I am incredibly spoiled. And yes, I just ate three more danishes......
I am seeking rock bottom? How to I set all this right? What am I doing? Who am I? How do I live with all the regret of never realizing what I want and how to go about getting it? I mean as far as education, jobs, and goals, before Ellie came along? She is such a blessing so longed for and desired and cried after that I feel like an ass even going through this right now!!!
Every parent makes mistakes, it just seems mine made alot when it came to setting me up for a future. I was told I could be anything but I was never shown or even suggested to that I had to locate the tools to make it happen! They didn't even have them. Maybe all I can do now that my life feels like an utter waste is to set Ellie up properly so she can see her path and know what to do about it, as God sees fit.
Where does God see fit for me? When one is so broken and confused what is there to do????
Perfection is impossible
Do I have a death wish? I must want to die. I carb feasted again last night as we had to stay a the inlaws one more time (they left E and I alone for a few hours to go to dinner and I practically stuffed my face with both hands) and have been out of control eating low carb goodies today (carbquick danishes).Took 40 units of Novolog over several hours to keep my Bg at 200!!! It is over 200 now.
I just feel like eating myself into oblivian. It's not that the food even tasted good. I just feel like life is spinning out of control, I am searching for a drug to slow it down. My heart aches and is empty all at once. I am spiritually, emotionally, and physically bankrupt. Only Ellie and J keep me going. I feel so trapped with no end like running in place in your dreams. And here I have even reversed the past weeks hard work and weight loss. I feel miserable. Why can't I stay focused with no relapses? It's not the diet- teh food is great. It is the 'drug' addiction that keeps me.
What is bothering me?
1. I can't get this house done it is like a nightmare I can't awaken from. And until the renovations are complete we cannot put it on the market and even then we will, of course, have no idea when or if it will sell. It is neverending and that leaves me feeling so desperate and isolated.
2. Until house sells we will be wasting time and money with J travelling so far each workday and it is so very hard on him. And I can do nothing about it. And then it will be hard trying to find a suitable home in our price range.
3. I am back to the thing that is my passion and I do not have the childcare or the money to go more than twice a month at most for riding lessons. And with no horse of my own I have no way to practice and stay fit for the demanding lessons. Riding again gives me so much joy just pure joy and I am so frustrated I can't do more! And then since we need a home in Lone Oak we can't afford a few acres to have a horse.... or the other things that give me joy- chickens, goats, gardening, heritage livestock for our food and others..... I feel I am losing me and what good is that to my family?
4. I am mad at myself because J and E should be enough joy for me.
5. I loathe my aging sagging body, my opinion of myself, my lack of joy, my lack of contributing anything to anyone.
6.I am furious at my brother for making choices that has 99% chance kicked my parents out of their home and left them with nowhere to go because he gave up and decided his wife should make the choice for him to live closer to her parents with no regard to the agony and hell my parents have been through this past year with moms near fatal cancer! Long story. Won't kow for sure untilt he hearing on May 5th
7. Mom has a scan tomorrow they suspect she has more cancer with a bad prognosis if so.
8. I am scared and worried about my parents.Mom is in constant pain and is now on a drug that helps her but is causing her to slip away from me.
9. I don't like being furious at my brother. But I can't get past this evil thing he has done right now because he has no regard for my parents agony.
10. I feel helpless.
11. I am a little upset deep down that throughout all of our travels and lack of money/ blessed with money has kept the thing that is his passion no matter what- art- and I have not been able to keep anything. Some of my passions - heirloom gardening, goats, heritage livestock- have as much potential to make us money as his art!
12. I don't like being upset about that as I love J deeply and he is an amazing husband and friend.
13. Until all this house crap is squared away I have little time for one on one with E, she just tags along, I wear her, or she plays with toys or at cleaning nearby and I pause when I can to read books and do art and am always available to snuggle.
14. I have no energy.
15. I have walked away from God again. I can't seem to stay on His path and the rollercoaster of near and far is making me exhausted.
Probably shouldn't post this because there are those who are 'close' to me who love to make trouble, but I really don't think those meddlers know about this blog.
What does this have to do with Low Carb? Everything. I didn't get so fat and unhealthy by being emotionally stable!
I just feel like eating myself into oblivian. It's not that the food even tasted good. I just feel like life is spinning out of control, I am searching for a drug to slow it down. My heart aches and is empty all at once. I am spiritually, emotionally, and physically bankrupt. Only Ellie and J keep me going. I feel so trapped with no end like running in place in your dreams. And here I have even reversed the past weeks hard work and weight loss. I feel miserable. Why can't I stay focused with no relapses? It's not the diet- teh food is great. It is the 'drug' addiction that keeps me.
What is bothering me?
1. I can't get this house done it is like a nightmare I can't awaken from. And until the renovations are complete we cannot put it on the market and even then we will, of course, have no idea when or if it will sell. It is neverending and that leaves me feeling so desperate and isolated.
2. Until house sells we will be wasting time and money with J travelling so far each workday and it is so very hard on him. And I can do nothing about it. And then it will be hard trying to find a suitable home in our price range.
3. I am back to the thing that is my passion and I do not have the childcare or the money to go more than twice a month at most for riding lessons. And with no horse of my own I have no way to practice and stay fit for the demanding lessons. Riding again gives me so much joy just pure joy and I am so frustrated I can't do more! And then since we need a home in Lone Oak we can't afford a few acres to have a horse.... or the other things that give me joy- chickens, goats, gardening, heritage livestock for our food and others..... I feel I am losing me and what good is that to my family?
4. I am mad at myself because J and E should be enough joy for me.
5. I loathe my aging sagging body, my opinion of myself, my lack of joy, my lack of contributing anything to anyone.
6.I am furious at my brother for making choices that has 99% chance kicked my parents out of their home and left them with nowhere to go because he gave up and decided his wife should make the choice for him to live closer to her parents with no regard to the agony and hell my parents have been through this past year with moms near fatal cancer! Long story. Won't kow for sure untilt he hearing on May 5th
7. Mom has a scan tomorrow they suspect she has more cancer with a bad prognosis if so.
8. I am scared and worried about my parents.Mom is in constant pain and is now on a drug that helps her but is causing her to slip away from me.
9. I don't like being furious at my brother. But I can't get past this evil thing he has done right now because he has no regard for my parents agony.
10. I feel helpless.
11. I am a little upset deep down that throughout all of our travels and lack of money/ blessed with money has kept the thing that is his passion no matter what- art- and I have not been able to keep anything. Some of my passions - heirloom gardening, goats, heritage livestock- have as much potential to make us money as his art!
12. I don't like being upset about that as I love J deeply and he is an amazing husband and friend.
13. Until all this house crap is squared away I have little time for one on one with E, she just tags along, I wear her, or she plays with toys or at cleaning nearby and I pause when I can to read books and do art and am always available to snuggle.
14. I have no energy.
15. I have walked away from God again. I can't seem to stay on His path and the rollercoaster of near and far is making me exhausted.
Probably shouldn't post this because there are those who are 'close' to me who love to make trouble, but I really don't think those meddlers know about this blog.
What does this have to do with Low Carb? Everything. I didn't get so fat and unhealthy by being emotionally stable!
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Progress then failure
Was down to 220. Followed plan all week. But failure was coming.
Been dealing with serious family issues - not with me and Jason- of health and losing a home. This situation is eating me up inside and the injustice of it by the person causing the problem is unbelievable. I am so heartbroken and angry over it.
Yesterday I spent the day driving back and forth to storage with Ellie cleaning out the utility room. I had no time to cook eggs every few hours. I ate chicken nuggets with her from a drive through, Yeah I know bad mom. I was also exhausted from sleeping at my in laws in order to attend a birthday party- where I didnt even it cake! woohoo! Had to then pack to stay at inlaws again for more family 'fun'. J is on nights so I barely see him from Thursday to Monday night between work and sleep.
A warnign of overload should have been eating 6 squares of 72% Chocolate resulting in feelings of short temper with E. But it disolved into 3pm eating 1/2 a biscuit of KFC, 3Tb of mashed taters and 2TB of gravy even after ordering the ridiculously expansive and good double down for myself- J ate half- for his breakfast as I had no time to cook and a dirty kitchen from cleaning and packing. Took alot of insulin to cover as I was already 189 from chocolate and stress.
Refused pizza before gathering but realized there was no butter to cook my eggs as I had forgotten it so I ate nothing. At gathering did not eat shortcake when everyone else did, had a bite of E's raw strawberries instead. Had to listen about low fat this, calories that cholesterol that drivel while feelign I could not speak up about the truth because 'look at me I ams til so fat who would believe me' and thus felt powerless. then discovered I was very shakey at a mere 72! So had a piece of shortcake coolwhip and all. Got back to inlaws starving.Ate three pieces of papa ohns thin crust, then 1/2 piece of shortcake. Then later 1/2 c mixed nuts, 8 club crackers, 1 Lil Debbie oatmeal pie, 1/2 cinnamon raisin bagel. An oh yeah middle of the night before I ate 1/4 bagel! I just even said outloud screw the diet I have laready failed today.
The guilt of what I ate, mixed with the guilt of others seeing my failure and fuelign their adamant anti low carb rhetoric is crushing. I was feeling so AWESOME. But I was not prepared emotionally or practically for what felt like a sudden landslide but had been building for awhile. I didn;t get this heavy because I have a healthy relationship with food and stress.
So sorry to my readers for my failure. So very very sad.
Onward!
Been dealing with serious family issues - not with me and Jason- of health and losing a home. This situation is eating me up inside and the injustice of it by the person causing the problem is unbelievable. I am so heartbroken and angry over it.
Yesterday I spent the day driving back and forth to storage with Ellie cleaning out the utility room. I had no time to cook eggs every few hours. I ate chicken nuggets with her from a drive through, Yeah I know bad mom. I was also exhausted from sleeping at my in laws in order to attend a birthday party- where I didnt even it cake! woohoo! Had to then pack to stay at inlaws again for more family 'fun'. J is on nights so I barely see him from Thursday to Monday night between work and sleep.
A warnign of overload should have been eating 6 squares of 72% Chocolate resulting in feelings of short temper with E. But it disolved into 3pm eating 1/2 a biscuit of KFC, 3Tb of mashed taters and 2TB of gravy even after ordering the ridiculously expansive and good double down for myself- J ate half- for his breakfast as I had no time to cook and a dirty kitchen from cleaning and packing. Took alot of insulin to cover as I was already 189 from chocolate and stress.
Refused pizza before gathering but realized there was no butter to cook my eggs as I had forgotten it so I ate nothing. At gathering did not eat shortcake when everyone else did, had a bite of E's raw strawberries instead. Had to listen about low fat this, calories that cholesterol that drivel while feelign I could not speak up about the truth because 'look at me I ams til so fat who would believe me' and thus felt powerless. then discovered I was very shakey at a mere 72! So had a piece of shortcake coolwhip and all. Got back to inlaws starving.Ate three pieces of papa ohns thin crust, then 1/2 piece of shortcake. Then later 1/2 c mixed nuts, 8 club crackers, 1 Lil Debbie oatmeal pie, 1/2 cinnamon raisin bagel. An oh yeah middle of the night before I ate 1/4 bagel! I just even said outloud screw the diet I have laready failed today.
The guilt of what I ate, mixed with the guilt of others seeing my failure and fuelign their adamant anti low carb rhetoric is crushing. I was feeling so AWESOME. But I was not prepared emotionally or practically for what felt like a sudden landslide but had been building for awhile. I didn;t get this heavy because I have a healthy relationship with food and stress.
So sorry to my readers for my failure. So very very sad.
Onward!
Monday, April 19, 2010
Day 8 Thoughts
I'm behind!
We came to Nashville yesterday morning and between all the packing and cleaning before we left and cooking (low carb) and visiting when we got here I lost track of my menu. I also don't have a scale here so it will be Wed. morning before I can weigh in again.
I ate all low carb yesterday, two meals were eggs per usual. I also walked a mile carrying E in her mei tai of course. And got 8 hours of sleep.
Today we are going to the zoo with my parents- lots of walking. It is E's first trip! I am so excited.
I think I will just stay on plan and pick up recording on Wed. Maybe not? I don't know. We'll see.
We came to Nashville yesterday morning and between all the packing and cleaning before we left and cooking (low carb) and visiting when we got here I lost track of my menu. I also don't have a scale here so it will be Wed. morning before I can weigh in again.
I ate all low carb yesterday, two meals were eggs per usual. I also walked a mile carrying E in her mei tai of course. And got 8 hours of sleep.
Today we are going to the zoo with my parents- lots of walking. It is E's first trip! I am so excited.
I think I will just stay on plan and pick up recording on Wed. Maybe not? I don't know. We'll see.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Day 7 Thoughts, SUCCESS!
220.2 This morning! 6.4lblost this week! Wow! I feel great!
My mood is stable, I have tons of energy, my house is close to sparkling and decluttered thanks to FlyLady and the energy, my clothes fit better, I'm happier, my family is happier, the checkbook is happier (eating 3-4 meals a day of eggs, butter, cheese is very economical!)Thank you Jimmy Moore for the inspiration yet again!
While this is not an Egg Fest in the way Jimmy did, it is an EggFest that worked and is still working for me. With no sign of getting tired of eggs but still craving that buttery, cheesey, fluffy goodness that takes less than 5 minutes to make and minimal kitchen mess, what's not to love!
What rules have I stuck to?
1. Eat within 30 minutes of waking.
2. Always pair each egg eaten with 1TB of butter and 1oz of cheese and only once a day, if desired, add a sweetner.
3. Always have eggs for breakfast as it starts the day off on the right foot.
4. All meals that aren't eggs are to be under 12-15g carbs max, for no more than 30g carbs a day. Can fit in low carb sweets under those parameters if I want.
5. Do at least 15 minutes a day of movement (walking, workout, calisthenics, chasing E around yard etc.)
6. Get at least 8 hours of sleep total a day, nap as needed with Ellie.
7. Take time for Bible and prayer.
8. Keep a food journal including on FitDay.
9. LOVE MYSELF because without valuing myself I can't value or love others.
10. RELAX and SMILE!
My mood is stable, I have tons of energy, my house is close to sparkling and decluttered thanks to FlyLady and the energy, my clothes fit better, I'm happier, my family is happier, the checkbook is happier (eating 3-4 meals a day of eggs, butter, cheese is very economical!)Thank you Jimmy Moore for the inspiration yet again!
While this is not an Egg Fest in the way Jimmy did, it is an EggFest that worked and is still working for me. With no sign of getting tired of eggs but still craving that buttery, cheesey, fluffy goodness that takes less than 5 minutes to make and minimal kitchen mess, what's not to love!
What rules have I stuck to?
1. Eat within 30 minutes of waking.
2. Always pair each egg eaten with 1TB of butter and 1oz of cheese and only once a day, if desired, add a sweetner.
3. Always have eggs for breakfast as it starts the day off on the right foot.
4. All meals that aren't eggs are to be under 12-15g carbs max, for no more than 30g carbs a day. Can fit in low carb sweets under those parameters if I want.
5. Do at least 15 minutes a day of movement (walking, workout, calisthenics, chasing E around yard etc.)
6. Get at least 8 hours of sleep total a day, nap as needed with Ellie.
7. Take time for Bible and prayer.
8. Keep a food journal including on FitDay.
9. LOVE MYSELF because without valuing myself I can't value or love others.
10. RELAX and SMILE!
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Day 6 Thoughts
Weighed 222.4 this morning, I ate really late last night the steak parmesan so I think that has something to do with only losing a few ounces. Will see what tomorrow brings.
Well, it is no longer Egg Fest as much as low carb dedication. I won't have a menu for today as we went to a party and I have no idea how to figure 4 pieces of pizza hut combo pizza toppings only. I did bring eggs, butter and cheese and ate that before the party, and also for breakfast and supper. Lots of tempting foods and Js parents as well as the party but I did not let myself be tempted.
Well, it is no longer Egg Fest as much as low carb dedication. I won't have a menu for today as we went to a party and I have no idea how to figure 4 pieces of pizza hut combo pizza toppings only. I did bring eggs, butter and cheese and ate that before the party, and also for breakfast and supper. Lots of tempting foods and Js parents as well as the party but I did not let myself be tempted.
Friday, April 16, 2010
Day 5 Menu
DAY 5
222.6 this morning
7:30Am 2e, 2b, 2o chedder, 1/2c almond milk, 2Tb cream
10:30Am 3 HI choco chip cookies
.2pm ham salad, pinch of cookie
6pm 2e, 2b, 2ozcream cheese
8:30 1/8c tomato sauce, 1/2c mozzarella, carbquick breaded cube steak, 1/4c zuchinni quarters, 1/2 cookie
Drank lots of water. Walked 1.5 miles morning and afternoon.
2,312cal 199.5fat 29.8carb 111.1pro
76%fat 19%pro 5%carb
222.6 this morning
7:30Am 2e, 2b, 2o chedder, 1/2c almond milk, 2Tb cream
10:30Am 3 HI choco chip cookies
.2pm ham salad, pinch of cookie
6pm 2e, 2b, 2ozcream cheese
8:30 1/8c tomato sauce, 1/2c mozzarella, carbquick breaded cube steak, 1/4c zuchinni quarters, 1/2 cookie
Drank lots of water. Walked 1.5 miles morning and afternoon.
2,312cal 199.5fat 29.8carb 111.1pro
76%fat 19%pro 5%carb
Day 5 Thoughts, Changes
Yesterday was crazy but I stuck to plan. No carb cravings.
Today, Day 5, I weigh 222.6 without E nursing yet.... but instead of estimating milk weight I decided to just record the scale reading. That is about 1/2lb lost since yesterday morning.
My definition of EggFest now means:
1. 2 eggs, 2Tb butter, 2-3 oz cheese within 30 minutes of waking.
2. no more than 12g carbs per meal
3. eggs for as many meals as I care to have
4. try to eat every 3 hours and never more than 5 hours apart.
5. no food within 3 hours of bedtime
Onward!
Today, Day 5, I weigh 222.6 without E nursing yet.... but instead of estimating milk weight I decided to just record the scale reading. That is about 1/2lb lost since yesterday morning.
My definition of EggFest now means:
1. 2 eggs, 2Tb butter, 2-3 oz cheese within 30 minutes of waking.
2. no more than 12g carbs per meal
3. eggs for as many meals as I care to have
4. try to eat every 3 hours and never more than 5 hours apart.
5. no food within 3 hours of bedtime
Onward!
Day 4
Day 4 (Thursday) Menu
8:30 Am 2e, 2oz queso, 2 T butter
12:00 Carbquick Garden Impossible Pie with ham, 6g carb per serving, I ate 2
Cannot recall the rest and did not write it down :^( I'll try to do better today!
I don't think I ate enough today.
8:30 Am 2e, 2oz queso, 2 T butter
12:00 Carbquick Garden Impossible Pie with ham, 6g carb per serving, I ate 2
Cannot recall the rest and did not write it down :^( I'll try to do better today!
I don't think I ate enough today.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Day 4 Thoughts
UPDATE I weighed 223 this morning! I have lost 3.8 lbs since Monday. So, what I am doing is working. Had eggs this morning and see no reason why not for lunch, I am getting spoiled to how quick and easy they are!
E has not slept well at all since Monday night. I am more than a bit afraid that the eggs are affecting her...
It is hard to resist temptation especially when the temptation is low carb and would normally be ok. Like the Danishes I made for J last night and ate two of, well three... Not sure what the scale will say as I won't weigh until I get up with E later this morning. I am also sleep deprived this week which also does not help.
So my EggFest isn't so much and egg fest as Jimmy's. Bless his heart that does take some serious gumption,commitment, and passion!
I do think 6 small meals a day may work best for me while breastfeeding and keeping odd hours otherwise I am going into starvation mode. That has been an important lesson here. Also that I have broken the carb addiction. This morning I feel great, no sign of the induction flu and have tons of energy despite being exhausted. My mood is very stable, my head clear, we will see if that lasts today.
This week while not a complete success- I have broken many rules- has been very successful and well worth it. I have not gone hungry, I have satisfied cravings with low carb foods and without going over 30 carbs a day. I have also learned that I snack alot if I am hungry, even while fixing my meal, so I need to reinstitute the drink an entire glass of water and have a little almond or coconut milk if I need to while I cook. As well as to wait a mere 15 minutes before diving into dessert or more food. That is still plenty of time to work with the pre meal bolus insulin if needed. I also need to be dilligent about eating my foods in FitDay and keeping a food journal again. These were key to my weight loss in 08 but I thought I could be lazy.
Hmmm.. lazy...that is another subject but at least FlyLady is halping me out of that, I even have a shiny sink as of last night! That gives me something to obsess over, control, and be perfectionist with while I chill about everything else and learn to relax and takle things in baby steps. This not only applies to my eating, diabetes, weight loss, health gaining, housework, it also applies to my self.
So does EggFest continue today? I don't know. Maybe. I am seriously craving some eggs!!
E has not slept well at all since Monday night. I am more than a bit afraid that the eggs are affecting her...
It is hard to resist temptation especially when the temptation is low carb and would normally be ok. Like the Danishes I made for J last night and ate two of, well three... Not sure what the scale will say as I won't weigh until I get up with E later this morning. I am also sleep deprived this week which also does not help.
So my EggFest isn't so much and egg fest as Jimmy's. Bless his heart that does take some serious gumption,commitment, and passion!
I do think 6 small meals a day may work best for me while breastfeeding and keeping odd hours otherwise I am going into starvation mode. That has been an important lesson here. Also that I have broken the carb addiction. This morning I feel great, no sign of the induction flu and have tons of energy despite being exhausted. My mood is very stable, my head clear, we will see if that lasts today.
This week while not a complete success- I have broken many rules- has been very successful and well worth it. I have not gone hungry, I have satisfied cravings with low carb foods and without going over 30 carbs a day. I have also learned that I snack alot if I am hungry, even while fixing my meal, so I need to reinstitute the drink an entire glass of water and have a little almond or coconut milk if I need to while I cook. As well as to wait a mere 15 minutes before diving into dessert or more food. That is still plenty of time to work with the pre meal bolus insulin if needed. I also need to be dilligent about eating my foods in FitDay and keeping a food journal again. These were key to my weight loss in 08 but I thought I could be lazy.
Hmmm.. lazy...that is another subject but at least FlyLady is halping me out of that, I even have a shiny sink as of last night! That gives me something to obsess over, control, and be perfectionist with while I chill about everything else and learn to relax and takle things in baby steps. This not only applies to my eating, diabetes, weight loss, health gaining, housework, it also applies to my self.
So does EggFest continue today? I don't know. Maybe. I am seriously craving some eggs!!
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Day 3
DAY 3
224.6, not huge loss but .2 better than up or same!
4:30 sausage ball, 1/2c almond milk w 2tb cream
8:45 2e,2b,2oz queso fresco, 1/4c almond milk, eggs were yummy- no nausea
took nap with E I was so tired!
12:00 2e,2b,2oz queso, 1/4c cream, 1/2c almond milk, 1T almond butter, 2 squares 72% Lindt, 3 sausage balls.....
20 minute walk (1.25 miles) carrying E (20lbs)
5:00 2e,2b,2oz queso, 1 T fresh made yogurt
intense housework 1 hour
8:30 2 small lc danishes...... had to make them for J......
2,295cal 200.4fat 29.6carb 97.5pro
Drinking more water today. Feel like I have induction flu. Close to miserable. Scattered thoughts, jittery, achey, tired, irritable.... bG still averaging 120-150!!! Lantus 7u am and pm....
224.6, not huge loss but .2 better than up or same!
4:30 sausage ball, 1/2c almond milk w 2tb cream
8:45 2e,2b,2oz queso fresco, 1/4c almond milk, eggs were yummy- no nausea
took nap with E I was so tired!
12:00 2e,2b,2oz queso, 1/4c cream, 1/2c almond milk, 1T almond butter, 2 squares 72% Lindt, 3 sausage balls.....
20 minute walk (1.25 miles) carrying E (20lbs)
5:00 2e,2b,2oz queso, 1 T fresh made yogurt
intense housework 1 hour
8:30 2 small lc danishes...... had to make them for J......
2,295cal 200.4fat 29.6carb 97.5pro
Drinking more water today. Feel like I have induction flu. Close to miserable. Scattered thoughts, jittery, achey, tired, irritable.... bG still averaging 120-150!!! Lantus 7u am and pm....
Day 3 Thoughts
Only .2 lb lost since yesterday morning but 2lb total since Monday morning.
I have learned that I delude myself with little lies. 'I have been waiting for Carbquick for so long, they say it doesn't stall weightloss or raise bg, so a little will be ok, besides I am so nauseas'. Which leads to an equivalant of four carbquick biscuits between the cinnamon 3 minute one, the two at dinner, and the few sausage balls. Honestly, I think I would have been ok with myself if I had just 1 but eating the equivalant of 4 is addiction and symptom of that greater problem within.
Onward! EggFest struggles on...
I have learned that I delude myself with little lies. 'I have been waiting for Carbquick for so long, they say it doesn't stall weightloss or raise bg, so a little will be ok, besides I am so nauseas'. Which leads to an equivalant of four carbquick biscuits between the cinnamon 3 minute one, the two at dinner, and the few sausage balls. Honestly, I think I would have been ok with myself if I had just 1 but eating the equivalant of 4 is addiction and symptom of that greater problem within.
Onward! EggFest struggles on...
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Day 2
DAY 2
224.8!
4:30Am 1tsp almond butter and 1/2c almond milk as I was exceedingly nauseas and half asleep.... mini failure! Onward! Remember to FLY (finally loving yourself) I think I will wait until we wake up again to eat an egg since I had the almond butter? I don't know I am seriously craving an egg with every fiber of my being..... I thought 1T of butter per egg would be greasy, it is not, it is unbelievably yummy and satiating!!! ok ok on to the egg if E stays asleep, ummm nope awake now
9:30 2e, 2b, 2oz queso fresco
12:00 1/4c nuts, kitchen disaster, Ellie food first, was so weak had to have something
12:40 2e, 2b, 3oz queso fresco
3:00 1t almond butter 1 square Lindt 70% chocolate, 2 T cream in 1/2c almond breeze milk, hungry but could not stand the htought of an egg, so very nauseaus....
This is where the day dissolves. My brain was so foggy and it hurt to breath I was so sick and tired. I couldn't take care of E properly!
5:00pm Carbquick had come in and I made a cinnamon biscuit as I prepped E's dinner. I then had a chicken breast patty and 1 Tb mayo, and 1oz queso fresco
8pm J needed dinner tonight so I made Carbquick biscuits and ham as well as sausage balls for his dinner and meals the next day. I ate two biscuits and a bit of ham with a smidge of butter and three sausage balls.
2,142cal 180.4fat 37.7carbs 91.5pro 76%fat, 7%carbs, 8%pro
Will see what the scale brings. We also cleaned house like mad and walked a mile. What to do about the weakness, brain fog, and nausea while home alone with an active 1 year old and also breastfeeding on cue???? Was the almond butter and chocolate responsible for the nausea and tiredness? Not wishing to eat another egg..... Will see what the morning brings.
224.8!
4:30Am 1tsp almond butter and 1/2c almond milk as I was exceedingly nauseas and half asleep.... mini failure! Onward! Remember to FLY (finally loving yourself) I think I will wait until we wake up again to eat an egg since I had the almond butter? I don't know I am seriously craving an egg with every fiber of my being..... I thought 1T of butter per egg would be greasy, it is not, it is unbelievably yummy and satiating!!! ok ok on to the egg if E stays asleep, ummm nope awake now
9:30 2e, 2b, 2oz queso fresco
12:00 1/4c nuts, kitchen disaster, Ellie food first, was so weak had to have something
12:40 2e, 2b, 3oz queso fresco
3:00 1t almond butter 1 square Lindt 70% chocolate, 2 T cream in 1/2c almond breeze milk, hungry but could not stand the htought of an egg, so very nauseaus....
This is where the day dissolves. My brain was so foggy and it hurt to breath I was so sick and tired. I couldn't take care of E properly!
5:00pm Carbquick had come in and I made a cinnamon biscuit as I prepped E's dinner. I then had a chicken breast patty and 1 Tb mayo, and 1oz queso fresco
8pm J needed dinner tonight so I made Carbquick biscuits and ham as well as sausage balls for his dinner and meals the next day. I ate two biscuits and a bit of ham with a smidge of butter and three sausage balls.
2,142cal 180.4fat 37.7carbs 91.5pro 76%fat, 7%carbs, 8%pro
Will see what the scale brings. We also cleaned house like mad and walked a mile. What to do about the weakness, brain fog, and nausea while home alone with an active 1 year old and also breastfeeding on cue???? Was the almond butter and chocolate responsible for the nausea and tiredness? Not wishing to eat another egg..... Will see what the morning brings.
Day 1 Journal
Start weight 226.6
5:30am 2 eggs, 2 TB butter, 1oz chedder
9:30am 2 eggs, 2TB butter, 2oz cream cheese, was not hungry but ate anyway next time will fix one egg....
12:45 2eggs, 2T butter, 2oz cream cheese, sprinkle of cinammon and 2 caps DaVinci Pancake. Eggs still taste great just had a yuck moment with a potential fertile spot in my free range egg.....hence the cinammon and DaVinci's but I wish I hadn't. Should have just chucked the offending egg and moved on....Also 4 swallows of beer before deciding it was not good for the diet!
4:00 1/8c peanuts, I was starving and J had the kitchen upside down installing a new dw
7:45 so exhausted ate dinner with family, 1/4c green beans, 1 chicken breast patty, 1T mayo, 1 lc wrap, 1/2c spring greens, 2T almond butter, 2 squares 72% chocolate, 1/2c almond milk
cal 2,146, fat198.0 carb27.0 pro 71.9
82% fat, 14% pro, 4% carbs
Also wondering how this is effecting Ellie who has an egg sensitivity she still nurses frequently. She had diarrhea all afternoon....
I however had a very stable mood day! Did feel very tired and crampy. I also felt this way the last times I have cut carbs on the first couple of days. My carb addiction is very intense esp due to abusing my bodies response to it as I am a diabetic just as one would alcohol or drugs.....
I am calling today a success anyways, also because the scale said I had lost 1.4lbs. Onward!
5:30am 2 eggs, 2 TB butter, 1oz chedder
9:30am 2 eggs, 2TB butter, 2oz cream cheese, was not hungry but ate anyway next time will fix one egg....
12:45 2eggs, 2T butter, 2oz cream cheese, sprinkle of cinammon and 2 caps DaVinci Pancake. Eggs still taste great just had a yuck moment with a potential fertile spot in my free range egg.....hence the cinammon and DaVinci's but I wish I hadn't. Should have just chucked the offending egg and moved on....Also 4 swallows of beer before deciding it was not good for the diet!
4:00 1/8c peanuts, I was starving and J had the kitchen upside down installing a new dw
7:45 so exhausted ate dinner with family, 1/4c green beans, 1 chicken breast patty, 1T mayo, 1 lc wrap, 1/2c spring greens, 2T almond butter, 2 squares 72% chocolate, 1/2c almond milk
cal 2,146, fat198.0 carb27.0 pro 71.9
82% fat, 14% pro, 4% carbs
Also wondering how this is effecting Ellie who has an egg sensitivity she still nurses frequently. She had diarrhea all afternoon....
I however had a very stable mood day! Did feel very tired and crampy. I also felt this way the last times I have cut carbs on the first couple of days. My carb addiction is very intense esp due to abusing my bodies response to it as I am a diabetic just as one would alcohol or drugs.....
I am calling today a success anyways, also because the scale said I had lost 1.4lbs. Onward!
Monday, April 12, 2010
My EggFest begins!
"You are not behind- you are just getting started!" -FlyLady
Jimmy Moore has been doing an EggFest for a month now. He just ended this past Saturday. I read about it when he started and thought about starting. But I was not there yet. I was to addicted to carbs again and had no real desire to change. The past few weeks of severe mood swings, some depression, weight gain, and lack of much joy in life has made me jump off the cliff and into LC again.
I am going to follow the plan lined out on Day 1 of Jimmy's menu blog one meal at a time and see how long it goes. One moment at a time might work best for me as I am always setting lofty goals that I think are attainable but are not. FlyLady has taught me that about myself. It's like her quote that is a favorite of mine: "The voices that you hear in your head keep telling you that you are behind and you have to get it all done now! We are going to quiet those negative voices that are beating you up constantly and replace with a loving gentle voice that tells you that you are not behind and you can do this one BabyStep at a time!"
I think that my weight loss stalled and I became so discouraged because I was not eating small meals with high fat, adequate protein and low carbs every three hours. Breastfeeding is very demanding and it changed my metabolism. Looking back I lost alot of pounds eating every few hours and drinking lots of water to get my supply established and then I started following the rules that made me lose so much weight last time and I stalled. I think this is further evidenced by the fact I have been on a carb fest and only put on 2lbs over the past 6 weeks! I am still breastfeeding on cue so I believe my metabolism has not reverted to 'normal'. I also keep odd hours irregularly due to J's schedule and necessity so I will continue to eat within 30 minutes of waking up if I am going to be up more than an hour even if I know I am going back to sleep for a few hours.
Here are my dozen guidelines, most borrowed from Jimmy as seen in the link above:
1. Must eat eggs as the primary source of fat and protein.
2. 1 tablespoon of butter or coconut oil used per egg consumed.
3. I must eat an egg no later than 30 minutes after waking.
4. The egg meals ideally should be eaten every 3 hours, but not more than every 5 hours.
5. I will follow this schedule even if I'm not hungry, however I'll only have 1 egg when that happens.
6. Cheese will be permitted up to one ounce per egg.
7. A minimum of a half-dozen eggs must be consumed daily.
8. The eggs will be local pastured eggs loaded with healthy omega-3 fats and vitamin D.
9. Egg consumption will cease three hours before bedtime
10. Diet soda will be allowed up to 3 cans daily with a goal of 1 or less. Or 4 TB or less of DaVinci a day.
11. Post my menu at the end of each day.
12. Take each moment as it comes! Love myself!
Let the EggFest begin!
Jimmy Moore has been doing an EggFest for a month now. He just ended this past Saturday. I read about it when he started and thought about starting. But I was not there yet. I was to addicted to carbs again and had no real desire to change. The past few weeks of severe mood swings, some depression, weight gain, and lack of much joy in life has made me jump off the cliff and into LC again.
I am going to follow the plan lined out on Day 1 of Jimmy's menu blog one meal at a time and see how long it goes. One moment at a time might work best for me as I am always setting lofty goals that I think are attainable but are not. FlyLady has taught me that about myself. It's like her quote that is a favorite of mine: "The voices that you hear in your head keep telling you that you are behind and you have to get it all done now! We are going to quiet those negative voices that are beating you up constantly and replace with a loving gentle voice that tells you that you are not behind and you can do this one BabyStep at a time!"
I think that my weight loss stalled and I became so discouraged because I was not eating small meals with high fat, adequate protein and low carbs every three hours. Breastfeeding is very demanding and it changed my metabolism. Looking back I lost alot of pounds eating every few hours and drinking lots of water to get my supply established and then I started following the rules that made me lose so much weight last time and I stalled. I think this is further evidenced by the fact I have been on a carb fest and only put on 2lbs over the past 6 weeks! I am still breastfeeding on cue so I believe my metabolism has not reverted to 'normal'. I also keep odd hours irregularly due to J's schedule and necessity so I will continue to eat within 30 minutes of waking up if I am going to be up more than an hour even if I know I am going back to sleep for a few hours.
Here are my dozen guidelines, most borrowed from Jimmy as seen in the link above:
1. Must eat eggs as the primary source of fat and protein.
2. 1 tablespoon of butter or coconut oil used per egg consumed.
3. I must eat an egg no later than 30 minutes after waking.
4. The egg meals ideally should be eaten every 3 hours, but not more than every 5 hours.
5. I will follow this schedule even if I'm not hungry, however I'll only have 1 egg when that happens.
6. Cheese will be permitted up to one ounce per egg.
7. A minimum of a half-dozen eggs must be consumed daily.
8. The eggs will be local pastured eggs loaded with healthy omega-3 fats and vitamin D.
9. Egg consumption will cease three hours before bedtime
10. Diet soda will be allowed up to 3 cans daily with a goal of 1 or less. Or 4 TB or less of DaVinci a day.
11. Post my menu at the end of each day.
12. Take each moment as it comes! Love myself!
Let the EggFest begin!
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