About Myself, Smiling?

I realized something this morning. I did not feel like reading Bible as I was so very tired and I went back to bed. I lay there awake thinking and praying. I don't know how to exhibit happiness. I am happy and content often but do not smile. I hide all my emotions until I explode with frustration which used to happen frequently until I got my bG under control. I have been focusing on relieving stress in my life. And on the day Evelyn passed on I got to thinking about the novel concept of counting blessings. Seems I can do much clear thinking now which completely disproves that low carb destroys your brain! Relieving stress is well and good but when you pair that with counting your blessings I think anyone would arrive at the same conclusion- okay, I have these awesome blessings, now what?

Now what indeed! I don't think it does much good to analyze the whys of how I got to be this way. I do know that I recall as a child always having to hide my true emotions and the problems and home and being lectured if not putting on a happy face at gatherings- "it's showtime" so that no one could guess the truth of what was going on in our household. I rarely saw my mom happy she most often wore a solemn look of determination or of sadness. But parents do the best they can do, it is all that any of us can do, so I am not placing blame. And maybe realizing these things will help me break the cycle and not hobble Ellie in this way- that is my hope. I want to model happiness for E so that she can see what that is like. Not a fabrication of happiness. I want her to be able to express her emotions and show them, happy, sad, angry, frustrated- whatever. So I have to figure out how to smile and be relaxed when I feel that way instead of hiding it in a solemn look of determination. I rarely laugh anymore except that I laugh often at E she is such a delight, but my husband is truly funny he is a really jovial kind of person and I have not been letting him see I find him amusing. Can you believe that? I like seriousness and broodiness, but why?

I also learned as a child that the one's worth is arrived at by accomplishments. If a job was well done, and the harder the job the better, then you could relax a bit. But perfection demanded you keep thinking about those jobs and how to improve your performance. I learned that by Mom's example. She was a perfectionist at housecleaning and sewing and it has served her well she has a very exciting career now, but unless all is perfect she is not happy and to this day I NEVER see her relax and have joy. She is always stressed. Early on in our marriage it would drive me insane how slowly and joyfully J got a job accomplished. I could run circles around him with a stern look on my face the whole time. We had so many arguments about it, but I could never figure out why I felt so frustrated and angry about it, I just thought he was lazy and did not know HOW to do things and I should teach him. And of course my anger and frustration got worse when I began to see he was never going to learn those things from me- efficiency and speed and solemnity- because I was a terrible teacher and example! Why would anyone want to do to themselves what I was doing?

And I am doing the same still. I, of late, feel like I am holding my breath each day until nap times until I can explode into a fury of housework to try to get the house as clean and perfect as I can- never being satisfied with what I accomplish. Trying to balance that with studies and journaling and exercise. And I am missing moments of Ellies life stressing out until the next nap comes. How terrible!!!

I am trying to relax but could not figure out how. Maybe today was a breakthrough?

And along the lines of self worth: I have tied my self worth and attractiveness to my husband and others with what I can accomplish and how quickly and perfectly, and how perfect my body can look. And I never achieve it and never will. I used to think I was so huge and ugly as a teenager. I look at those photos now I am solid muscle, tiny, tan and beautiful- well I was then! I never knew that. I want E to know better. To have an accurate and Godly sense of self and value. I have never been able to accept that J still finds me attractive and chose me above anyone else- I have always felt he deserved a supermodel and someday I would succeed in becoming like one. so I have hated my body and abused it in numerous ways- one of which is eating carb laden foods as comfort and pushing myself into diabetes. So very sad that so much of my life has been wrapped up in these silly ideas and quests. Where was my mentor? I only had glimpses of them. That is another topic for another day maybe.

Now, how do I smile more? I guess I need to put on 'radar' as a priority "hey, I feel happy or I feel content, this is nice, SMILE"

Why does all this go on a low carb blog? have I lost my focus? No. Because this lifestyle is about becoming healthy inside and out.

Well, of course, I googled it and came up with The Happiness Project So far, thought provoking and inspirational didn't realize till I read all the comments that she is an author. Plan to spend some more time reading here.