Trapped

I am caught between what I want and even knowing what I want really- because it is so entwined with wanting what J wants so we can be happy together kwim? Which is also severely limited by money. And if he is the moneymaker then what he wants weighs much more heavily on what our family does/has/wants/enjoys.

Have I ever really been able to pursue my dreams? No. I came close once before the Air Force when we had goats, horses, waterfowl, poultry, and lived on a cattle ranch. But the timing was wrong, the property not ours, the family entanglements to oppressive and frustrating, not enough money etc. But that has been the only time I have ever been truly happy mostly, well, when I think about it J and I fought alot, we were always wanting to travel and could not wait to get out of our hometown.

I have just lived my life, uneducated, lacking in wisdom, and way to spoiled. I have been bull headed and stupid. Yet I have let a few people practically make my choices for me. Yet, i feel I am incredibly spoiled. And yes, I just ate three more danishes......

I am seeking rock bottom? How to I set all this right? What am I doing? Who am I? How do I live with all the regret of never realizing what I want and how to go about getting it? I mean as far as education, jobs, and goals, before Ellie came along? She is such a blessing so longed for and desired and cried after that I feel like an ass even going through this right now!!!

Every parent makes mistakes, it just seems mine made alot when it came to setting me up for a future. I was told I could be anything but I was never shown or even suggested to that I had to locate the tools to make it happen! They didn't even have them. Maybe all I can do now that my life feels like an utter waste is to set Ellie up properly so she can see her path and know what to do about it, as God sees fit.

Where does God see fit for me? When one is so broken and confused what is there to do????